Comes a time when dark, angsty fics overshadow everything else to such an extent, a little comic relief is more welcome than your next breath LOL!
So, last week when Kay asked me to give her a break with some fluffy stuff, I was more than willin’ to go fic divin’ in my TBR on her behalf *gigglesnort!*
As a result, I’ve got two completes and one WIP for your enjoyment this week!
Now, my version of fluff is the side-splittin’, sexy as hell, funny shizz you’ll find in the following fabulous fics!
OH, AND BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET ME REMIND YOU: UNDER 18’S NEED TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ, OKAY???
Bella is sexually unfulfilled after four horrible encounters. She meets Edward Masen, and things begin to change. Edward is sexally insatiable and Bella has been told she’s frigid. B/E/AH/AU/OOC. Rated M for a reason! Lemons to follow. Humor/Sarcasm
Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Hurt/Comfort – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 27 – Words: 195,999 – Reviews: 2,352 – Favs: 3,372 – Follows: 2,596 – Updated: Jun 11, 2012 – Published: Jun 27, 2009 – Status: Complete – id: 5169904
It wasn’t Dr. Carlisle like the door said. It was actually E. McCarty, MD., according to the embroidery on his white coat. He was big – really big. Tall—good grief, he had to be like 6’3″.
“Describe your last panic attack, please? Take your time, details are not required here… just the general idea.”
“Well, I was on a date with Tyler Crowley. We were in his car. The date was…well, I thought the date was almost over.” The last part came out in a rush. “TylerCrowleytouchedmybreastsandIstartedtohyperventilate. I didn’t black out, though. I just-got out of the car and ran inside.”
“Bella, have you been on a date since then?”
“Have you touched anyone? Hugged someone? Held anyone’s hand or touched someone’s forearm? That was the instruction in Pfeiffer’s notes for your last visit with him.”
“Uh….er….I… bumped into someone at the Frosty Freeze. Does that count?”
“Every little bit helps,” he said softly, surprising me. “I want you to do two things before I see you in two weeks. First, I want you to make non-threatening casual contact with someone you trust. It can be any form of touch that you think you can handle. Second, I want you to say yes to two things that you normally would decline.
“Okay Dr. McCarty. Thanks. This was better than I thought it would be.”
“We don’t break out the whips and dildos until the second visit,” he said deadpan.
My eyes became as round as saucers, and then I began to laugh…and then snicker…and then guffaw….
He was laughing too.
“One last thing, Bella,” he said. “Hug, handshake or high five?”
Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Hug.” I was immediately, albeit gently, engulfed in a soft, warm embrace and then released just as quickly.
“Well done, Bella. You can consider that completion of assignment number one.
Now go out there and get to work on assignment two.”
OMG! Emmett McCarty as a sex therapist? Actually, in this fic, he made a great one LMAO! Needless to say, Bella literally stumbles into Edward in the reception area of the doctor’s office and his problem is the complete opposite!
“Insatiable huh?” I couldn’t help grinning. “Is that the clinical expression for a sex addict?”
A horrified look appeared on his face. Frowning, shaking his head and looking down he stuttered, “Nnno. I’m not a sex addict. I don’t want to deal in numbers exactly… but let’s say that being with me sexually is frustrating for me and physically taxing for the average woman…I tend not to inflict myself on others. It’s more compassionate that way.”
“Wow,” I breathed. “What a pair we are. You can’t get enough, and I can’t get off at all,” I blurted out in a strangled voice. I sputtered and began laughing. Gasping and clutching the arms of the chair, I managed to get out, “I’m NOT laughing at you…. I swear! I’m laughing at the situational irony.”
You’re gonna read this, right? How else are you gonna find out if their “issues” cancel each other out!
Edward’s an addict resisting treatment, Bella’s a girl who just wants a boyfriend already. What happens when they get paired up for a Biology Project? Bio Lab could get interesting…
Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Hurt/Comfort – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 70 – Words: 211,412 – Reviews: 12,648 – Favs: 3,955 – Follows: 3,302 – Updated: Jun 3, 2012 – Published: Dec 31, 2011 – Status: Complete – id: 7693130
“So. How many times today, Edward?”
I sighed in resignation, the embarrassment of telling my adoptive father how many times I got off in one day truly wearing.
“That’s an improvement,” he responded brightly, seemingly pleased with my progress.
“Well if the scenery were better,” I muttered and closed my mouth before I got the lecture.
Hehehehe! I’m sensin’ a recurrin’ theme here today…
The new girl beacon seemed to be shining brightly.
And as I started the awkward walk towards the school office, I knew this would be my only chance to start something new.
New start. New Person. New Life.
Old innocent Bella Swan was no more.
I could be whomever I wanted this time.
Confident. Sure of herself. Dare I say sexy?
I’d shoot for that.
And maybe, finally, I’d get me some.
I was going to make this the best year ever.
So, Edward’s tryin’ to be good and Bella’s doin’ her best to be bad. The tug of war begins when Edward and Bella are paired up to “parent” a fuckin’ bag of fluor LMAO!
Mr. Banner pulled up a box from the floor, and produced a bag of flour in his hands, showing it to everyone with a broad smile. He plopped on at each table, setting ours in between us.
I looked at the sack in confusion.
Were we baking? In Biology?
I was great at baking!
I could make Creepy Hot guy my special pie.
“Introducing your children!”
“Oh, fuck me,” Edward murmured hoarsely beside me.
All I could think of was yes please.
*Pinks tear!* God, I’m glad I graduated high school before that nonsense became all the rage!
Enjoy The Biology Project and tell me if any of you had such ridiculous assignments in high school!
Friends are forever, boys are whatever – unless it’s Edward Cullen. Then the gloves come off.
Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 14 – Words: 60,924 – Reviews: 2,463 – Favs: 1,250 – Follows: 2,075 – Updated: Oct 3 – Published: Jun 27 – id: 10486974
Anyone who’s ever read one of LayAtHomeMom’s fics knows you’re in for a real treat when she starts postin’ a new story and I couldn’t wait for this one to complete before bringin’ it to your attention!
Call me weird, warped…whatever, but the mean girls in Girl Code crack me the fuck up! The meaner they are, the funnier I find ‘em LMAO!
There are lots of fucked up things about our little group of friends, especially Alice. I consider her my very best frenemy.
We get along because we have to and have known each other far too long not to. She’s all of five feet and two inches and 100 lbs of pure balls and bitch. Maybe I’m being too harsh, because she’s not all bad per se. She can be funny sometimes, clever for sure, and loyal to a fault when it suits her. However, once you piss her off, she can go from zero to psychopath in about thirty seconds flat.
Yeah, you’re not gonna like Alice in this one *gigglesnort!*
“James is just really private.” I hear Victoria say seconds before my bedroom door opens. “That’s why he doesn’t want anyone to know about us.”
Dear, sweet, naïve Victoria. She and James are Port Townsend’s worst kept secret. It’s a damn shame she’s too sprung on him to see what a scumbag he is. Cocky and condescending, the guy is a total prick. I don’t get the appeal. My best guess is that he has a ten inch dick. God bless her for seeing the good in everyone. I just hate how he strings her along.
It’s not until Bella’s best friend, Victoria, sets her sights on the new guy…the new guy who has his sights set on Bella, that the back stabbin’ and cat fights begin and they are hilarious! Well, to me, they are!
Before I can stop myself, the question rolls off my tongue like an accusation. “What about James?”
Still admiring her legs for days and ass for weeks in the mirror, she brushes me off. “What about him?”
“Well, I thought you liked him.”
“I do,” she says with a shrug, sounding utterly non-committal.
“And you like Edward too?”
Nodding, she answers in the very same tone. “Yeah.” She sees my reflection in the mirror and everything about it from my furrowed brow to my slack jaw screams ‘what in the ever-loving fuck’. “What?” she asks defensively. “I like them both.
If James doesn’t see the good thing he’s got, maybe Edward will.”
I take a drink from my iced coffee to cool the white-hot rage surging through my body. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she wants James, but has Edward behind glass in case of emergency, like on stand-by.
I watch her play with her hair, bunching it up on top of her head and then pulling it down. “Which one do you think I should be with?”
Now here’s where a good friend would level with her. Be completely upfront and honest about my interest in him. Tell her all about the hand holding and my zero mutual friends on Facebook status, thus proving that he’s into me as well.
I know this is the right thing to do.
It’s also the rational thing to do, but the buck stops there, because if there’s one thing I know about girls in general, it’s that most of us aren’t rational. More than likely she won’t be cool about the situation and give her blessing. She’ll piss on him, claim him, and James will be nothing more than a memory, because she’ll be all about Edward.
Chicks before dicks. Besties before testes. Fries before guys. These are a small fraction of the rules by which girl world is governed. For the most part, I hold these truths to be self evident – except in the case of Edward Cullen.
So, did I deliver fluff or did I deliver fluff!?!
Happy Friday, y’all!