For the Long Suffering men In Our Lives…….again

Hello Everybody *waves*

RobsFan~tasy

ok lets try this again since WP Had a hissy fit the first time!!! I guess Rob is Just TOO HAWT For WP to handle LOL…

Good morning, Ladies! The following “Article” was written by Robshandmonkey and is used with her kind permission (with a few pictorial edits by yours truly). Thank you RHM for allowing me to use and play (twss) with your work!

I know some of you ladies are still in the “RobCloset,” especially from your Hubby’s and DBF’s so, just in case you ever get “caught,” Bookmark this Page into your favorites and, when they start to “B*tch” at you for Perving or reading too much Fan Fiction, just sit em down in front of the PC and show em this Post and then let’s see what they have to say…LOL

Enjoy my Friends…Enjoy…

TWILIGHT MAFIA HUBBY’S 2011 WORLDWIDE F*CKFEST

The first days:

Men all over the world woke up one day to find their females had became obsessed with a phenomenon known only to man as

“The TWILIGHT Saga OBSESSION” The year was….2008 B. T.  (before Twilight)

Before Twilight, women took care of their men, their families, focused on their jobs…even fed the dog…

Then an unknown Leader from an unknown land wrote a f*cking book.

Yeah…one f*cking book…that turned into another…and then another…and then another and all hope was lost.

The seed is either planted or it isn’t with the reading of the first Twilight book. Some men still remain unscathed. Those f*ckers are the lucky ones… their wives, daughters and sisters have not fallen into the Black Hole that thousands of men around the world now refer to as “The Twilight Phenomenon.”

However, the ones that aren’t so lucky have listed the woes of this obsession.  WARNING…if you see any of these signs…it’s already too late…

Day 1- It was a simple little black book with a pair of hands in the offering of a pretty red apple and your beautiful wife, mother of your children has her nose buried in it.

Innocent looking isn't it? Looks can be so deceiving.

CUE WARNING…if you see this, destroy It before she gets halfway through! Remember what happened to Adam when he was given the apple?  This doesn’t compare, my dear friends! If she is more than half way through this book…Do Not Attempt To Stop The Progression Of this Phenomenon! It can only result in injury…yours!

Day 2- For those that now see the sprouts of that first seed,

When you fell asleep after day 1 you didn’t heed the warning, or you just didn’t know about it yet…a moment of silence in your honor will be given at the end…our humblest apologies to you and yours when you find your wife standing in line at the bookstore with a copy of New Moon dancing from one foot to the other, waiting in line and cursing about the wait. Later that night, but still on day 2,  she spends all night with the nightlight on reading.

It’s too late, you poor fool!

Day 3- You hear her cussing and ranting and she is literally in tears over some guy named EDWARD  (if you had realized at the time how much you would learn to despise that man’s name…) all you wanted to do was comfort her and help her through this perceived loss. Hindsight…you wished he had stayed away but, come to the end of the evening, you see now her online ordering a copy of Eclipse for her Kindle to find out what happens next.

If your wife has this book…STAY AWAY!

Day 4- Your kids start with questions, wondering where mom disappeared to. When you find her, she is buried deep into something called the compromise chapter and she yells at you to shut up and go to McDonald’s even though you despise the franchise but the kids squeal with glee as you head out the door. It will pass, you are sure of it…again we apologize that we didn’t get to you in time.

*Snickers*

Day 5- You get home from work on a Friday evening, ready to spend a relaxing weekend, when you find your wife again buried in another book that has the queen chess piece on the cover. You move to kiss her on the cheek and she brushes you away with a barely muttered hello. You find dinner tastes off and wonder…did she forget to season anything?

Caution, Do Not Approach Your Wife if you have seen this book in her hands!!!

Day 6 – Saturday night…your kids are with friends and you feel a little smexy time is in order so you sneak up on her only to have her start cussing up one side and down the other about how she was cheated out of a honeymoon, although you clearly stated you shared a great time in Hawaii…what is the problem? Little did you know it wasn’t your honeymoon she was bitching about but it was that Fucker EDWARD and his Bella that didn’t reveal details of said honeymoon and some bullshit about feathers. You go to bed early wondering what the hell? Family and house are neglected and you get no nookie!

What feathers?

Sunday morning rolls around and she is in a slump about the issues that plague her vampire loving heart that this story can’t be over, can it?

You silently Thank God, take a deep breath and sigh in relief only to find her online squealing when someone tells her there is another story only half told and she now sits in front of the computer reading…yes, you guessed it…EDWARD’s side of the story and it’s called Midnight Sun!

Oh no! Not another one!!!

You go to bed and the next morning you find her still sitting there reading, but oddly, during the night, this guy EDWARD is no longer a VAMPIRE …he is now a TATTOO ARTIST? Seriously?

Tattward? WTF??

The next several days are a blur of EDWARD’s parading in and out of your life and the bastard can morph into any character like that fucking movie where people are being taken over by body snatchers.

He goes from a mob boss to,

Mafiaward

To a doctor…

Doctorward

and most fittingly, Punkassward!

Punkassward

By the following Friday night, you demand an explanation and she tells you its called Fan Fiction!!!

Then one day….EDWARD suddenly now has a FACE to go with the name and, OH MY GAWD! YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS THE Second Coming of ELVIS himself, only its WORSE!

 EDWARD CULLEN IS NOW STARRING IN HIS OWN MOVIE…NO WAIT… ITS ONE MOVIE FOR EACH BOOK!

Commence banging your head now…we can wait till you are done…

Better? Okay, where were we…oh yes, so now you find that you stare at this face on your home computer’s background desktop and you want to smash it. He needs to die and you find yourself looking up how to kill a vampire.

Take THAT Edward!! You F*cker!!

The months ahead consist of premiers…Twilight parties…(click the pics to enlarge)

Your house even gets invaded by women who are just as obsessed as they sit around and swoon over this guy who you now know as none other than…

ROBERT PATTINSON

Robert Pattinson

Yes, it is the second name you will regret ever hearing for the rest of your life.

You consider counseling…isolation, deprogramming, vacations…anything to reclaim your wife but…oddly this fanfiction bullshit has a few perks…she comes to bed a little frisky and you take advantage of it…hey, might as well enjoy it while your getting it…maybe this Twilight shit aint so bad….

Edward has brought you a few nice orgasms, some loving, a quickie in the car…something you HAVEN’T done in years…..

Then one day she calls you by a name you simply cannot take…

There are Bobwards, Jeffwards Ericwards Brentwards Stevewards Michaelwards Richardwards

And, at this point, all we can say is…the last movie installment is still 2 and a half MONTHS away….

Will it all end?

Will you get your wife back?

WE CAN ONLY OFFER YOU HOPE AND GIVE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT MAY GET YOU LAID ONE MORE TIME….
SHOW YOUR WIFE THESE PHOTOS AND TELL HER THERE YA GO BABY….
THE ONE THING YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR….

IT IS THE BEST I CAN DO FOR YOU, GENTLEMEN…UNTIL BREAKING DAWN COMES OUT, MAKE SURE YOU ARE PREPARED WITH THE FOLLOWING…

-HOT LINGERIE YOU BOUGHT FOR HER

-SILK BOXERS FOR YOU

-PLENTY OF VARIOUS LUBES (note: MAY NOT BE REQUIRED!)

-CONDOMS

– A BOTTLE OF VIAGRA…PAY WHATEVER IT TAKES BECAUSE YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO LAST MORE THAN FIVE F*CKING MINUTES AFTER ALL THIS…..

BECAUSE ON NOVEMBER 18 2011…

IT IS PAYOFF TIME MOTHERF*KERS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET LAID AND ROCK THIS F*KING WORLD LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

-YOUR TEAM TWILIGHT MAFIA HUBBY’S FOR THE UPCOMING 2011 WORLD WIDE F*CKFEST !

Special Thanks To RHM for this!!!

Much Love to you all,

RobsFan~tasy

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32 Comments

Filed under Because I CAN!, Breaking Dawn, Edward A M Cullen, Just For Shizz and Giggles, Twilight

32 responses to “For the Long Suffering men In Our Lives…….again

  1. rita01tx

    Glad you got it sorted BB. Wouldn’t have wanted to miss this! Too bad I gotta go to work now…would rather stay and play awl day with youze guys!

  2. dazzledbyrp

    Brilliant. Just brilliant. This post really made my day. And timely too. My daughter told me just today that my husband recently told her that “All you mother does these days is sit at her computer looking at that Twilight guy”. After all this time, he still doesn’t really get it. I should probably having him read this post.

    Love, love, love you.

  3. dazzledbyrp

    Oh…I almost forgot…..FLOVED the visuals. (Especially Isle Esme gifs. UNF!)

  4. in reply to the first post of this.

    thanks for explaining. this such a friendly site. i never feel awkard admitting my text ignorance. i didn’t know about the DD or DS either.

    i can’t wait for november. anyone else think they’ll cheer when those bedposts tumble?

    • Awww Thanks BB! All for one and all for Rob! Right? Your Welcome Darllin. I have explained many things many times and I Too have had to ask a few questions mahself. Feel free to ask anytime.

      As for BD in Nov, SWOooOON will be more like it! The gif alone is enough to make you weak in the knees.

  5. eyeonrob1

    OMFG, RFand RHM!! This post is EPIC! I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. HILARIOUS and so true. Gotta show this to the hubster. And those Isle Esme gifs?? MOANING and DED hoor…

    • Nicole

      Hi ya bb…it is funny huh? But, you my dear have one of the awesome hubs who feeds your Rob/Twi-Obsession. I bet he will get a pick kick out of reading this post.

    • Hee heee showed it to My DBF and he said, “Well, Looks Like I’m taking You to the BD premiere then huh?” and I said “yeah, AFTER you go shopping!” **Snickers**

      Hey Girls, IF you showed this post to youe DBF or Hubby We want to know what they had to say!!!

  6. Wow, say what now, Son stop playing and get ur bloody uniform on for school. Honey HONEY its Labor Day there is no school, this is a lovely excerpt from my life ss I read and looked at this post. When my honey told me no school I looked around and my family was looking at me like I she finally went and did it, she’s hit that Rob indused stupor. Ha ha little do they kno I’ve been stupified since The Goblet Of Fire. Lol :o) awesome post bb.

  7. This is perfect!!! Since there’s no DH for me (Rob went and left the country!) I think my fam should read this. Although it’s really too late! Funny thing is this, my mom and sister’s also read the books (in quick concesssion) and didn’t get sucked into the world I now live in. How does that happen?!

    Excellent post ladies!!!

  8. haystackhair

    OMG this post is EPIC win!!! LMAO! Fluved the visuals!!! It is all the funnier because it is soooo true!

  9. Nicole

    ROFLMMFAO!! RF this post is friggin Hillarious, but true!! I love it.

    Leave it to Drea…aka RHM to come up with such a funny and lively editorial. She has such a wickedly pervy imagination…just one of the things I love about her writing!

    Totes love all the pictures and GIF’s too bb! I just wanted to share this frigging funny as hell viddie that RDMickey sent out last week. She showed this to her hubs and he is said to go around the house singing the chorus to this!! 🙂

    Too damn funny and I have to thank RDMickey for sending this to us.

  10. OMG, this post is so hilarious – LMAO! Gonna make the DH read this and maybe, just maybe he’ll find comfort in the fact that he is not alone in his suffering *snickers*.

  11. This is the perfect post RHM & RF & so f*cking true! What a great read, robshandmonkey, your writing astounds me! The progression, of the events in this article, are right-on for me – pretty damn close! Love all the pics & gifs! Those gifs are excellent! Who needs oysters….. 😉

    Unfortunately, for my hubby, he knows about Rob, all things Twilight (Edward), & my FanFiction addiction! (& well, so do my kids.) But, I still find time for them all – it’s all about balance baby!

    Great post. Love you ladies! xo MC

  12. Nicole

    Didn’t know if there were others reading this story or not, but if you didn’t recieve the alert on this wonderful story as to what has been going on with the author, then here it is. She has been rather ill, but sounds like she is doing better and will continue this story soon.

    Chapter 19 Title: Chapter 19
    Words: 237
    Genre(s): Drama/Angst
    Rating: Rated: M
    Summary: Orphaned at 8, Bella Swan is placed in the care of her God Mother
    Esme Cullen. Heiress to Cullen Swan Enterprises, Bella grows up hero
    worshipping 17 year old joint heir, pseudo step brother and self appointed
    guardian Edward. ROMANCE ANGST DRAMA

    URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5744663/19/

  13. Yes, Guardian was very good. I have to say I stopped reading it after seeing it hadn’t updated for a while so maybe I’ll try it again. The same thing with another great story I’d abandoned after a year of no updating. I’m gonna start it again as well:
    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5642262/1/An_Introduction_to_Swirl_and_Daisy
    I also wanted to tell you I’d self-pimped my story to different fic teasers sites. I hope they’ll answer me! Here’s the link as well:
    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7282591/1/Homework
    As for today’s post, I think I’d die from laughting too hard, my cat stared at me, probably thinking WTF?

  14. Sus

    I don’t have a sig other, but my son, family and all my friends (w/the exception of my BFF, who is also Robsessed) think I’m a crazy person! This was so, so funny, and all the visuals were excellent, especially Rob in the blue suit…..*WHEW*!!!

    Thanks, ladies…you are the best!

    xoSus

    • My whole family thinks I’m nuts too BB! My immediate family have come to accept/ignore it. but the extended family…i know they are talking about me behind my bck! LOL I don’t care, Rob is worth it!!!

      I Love that blue suit pic too!

  15. Robshandmonkey and RobsFan-tasy, this post is hilarious but the scary thing is it is so true! LMAO

  16. Oh my gawd!!! lmao….why did I not think of pictures??? ME? Of all people!
    MC this is awesome!!! So much better with visuals….!! I love it….I sort of laid low got out of my funk and I come back and I have like all these adds for my facebook and I am like why do all these people wanna be my friend? then I clicked on your email and I was laughed…they all loved this and you did an awesome job on it! Thanks its just one of those things that pops into my head from time to time…lol….
    I am glad they all enjoy it…maybe I should show it to hubby? lol…

    • smittenkitten

      I missed the post yesterday bb, but it is EPIC fun & too true!
      LOVE IT, showing it to hubs…thank goodness I don’t have to hide my Robsession from him, he just grins at me & goes along!

      GREAT PICS!
      xo~smitten

    • You’re welcome Darlin’ I had fun working on it and searching for just the right pics! It took a few hours but i really like the way it turned out.

      OMG! Here is a true testament to Rob’s sex appeal it wasn’t until Just Now that I realized that in the pic with the guy shooting the card board Edward.,..There are actually TWO guys shooting it!!! LOL ROME ROB has the power to Obliterate all other men!!!

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