For the Long Suffering Men in Our Lives

Hello Everybody *waves*

RobsFan~tasy

Good morning, Ladies! The following “Article” was written by Robshandmonkey and is used with her kind permission (with a few pictorial edits by yours truly). Thank you RHM for allowing me to use and play (twss) with your work!

I know some of you ladies are still in the “RobCloset,” especially from your Hubby’s and DBF’s so, just in case you ever get “caught,” Bookmark this Page into your favorites and, when they start to “B*tch” at you for Perving or reading too much Fan Fiction, just sit em down in front of the PC and show em this Post and then let’s see what they have to say…LOL

Enjoy my Friends…Enjoy…

TWILIGHT MAFIA HUBBY’S 2011 WORLDWIDE F*CKFEST

The first days:

Men all over the world woke up one day to find their females had became obsessed with a phenomenon known only to man as

“The TWILIGHT Saga OBSESSION” The year was….2008 B. T.  (before Twilight)

Before Twilight, women took care of their men, their families, focused on their jobs…even fed the dog…

Then an unknown Leader from an unknown land wrote a f*cking book.

Yeah…one f*cking book…that turned into another…and then another…and then another and all hope was lost.

The seed is either planted or it isn’t with the reading of the first Twilight book. Some men still remain unscathed. Those f*ckers are the lucky ones… their wives, daughters and sisters have not fallen into the Black Hole that thousands of men around the world now refer to as “The Twilight Phenomenon.”

However, the ones that aren’t so lucky have listed the woes of this obsession.  WARNING…if you see any of these signs…it’s already too late…

Day 1 It was a simple little black book with a pair of hands in the offering of a pretty red apple and your beautiful wife, mother of your children has her nose buried in it.

Innocent looking, isn't it?

CUE WARNING…if you see this, destroy It before she gets halfway through! Remember what happened to Adam when he was given the apple?  This doesn’t compare, my dear friends! If she is more than half way through this book…Do Not Attempt To Stop The Progression Of this Phenomenon! It can only result in injury…yours!

Day 2- For those that now see the sprouts of that first seed,

When you fell asleep after day 1 you didn’t heed the warning, or you just didn’t know about it yet…a moment of silence in your honor will be given at the end…our humblest apologies to you and yours when you find your wife standing in line at the bookstore with a copy of New Moon dancing from one foot to the other, waiting in line and cursing about the wait. Later that night, but still on day 2,  she spends all night with the nightlight on reading.

It's too late, you poor fool!

Day 3- You hear her cussing and ranting and she is literally in tears over some guy named EDWARD  (if you had realized at the time how much you would learn to despise that man’s name…) all you wanted to do was comfort her and help her through this perceived loss. Hindsight…you wished he had stayed away but, come to the end of the evening, you see now her online ordering a copy of Eclipse for her Kindle to find out what happens next.

If your wife has this book...STAY AWAY!

Day 4- Your kids start with questions, wondering where mom disappeared to. When you find her, she is buried deep into something called the compromise chapter and she yells at you to shut up and go to McDonald’s even though you despise the franchise but the kids squeal with glee as you head out the door. It will pass, you are sure of it…again we apologize that we didn’t get to you in time.

Day 5- You get home from work on a Friday evening, ready to spend a relaxing weekend, when you find your wife again buried in another book that has the queen chess piece on the cover. You move to kiss her on the cheek and she brushes you away with a barely muttered hello. You find dinner tastes off and wonder…did she forget to season anything?

Caution, Do Not Approach Your Wife if you have seen this book in her hands!!!

Day 6 – Saturday night…your kids are with friends and you feel a little smexy time is in order so you sneak up on her only to have her start cussing up one side and down the other about how she was cheated out of a honeymoon, although you clearly stated you shared a great time in Hawaii…what is the problem? Little did you know it wasn’t your honeymoon she was bitching about but it was that Fucker EDWARD and his Bella that didn’t reveal details of said honeymoon and some bullshit about feathers. You go to bed early wondering what the hell? Family and house are neglected and you get no nookie!

What feathers?

Sunday morning rolls around and she is in a slump about the issues that plague her vampire loving heart that this story can’t be over, can it?

You silently Thank God, take a deep breath and sigh in relief only to find her online squealing when someone tells her there is another story only half told and she now sits in front of the computer reading…yes, you guessed it…EDWARD’s side of the story and it’s called Midnight Sun!

Oh no! Not another one!!!

You go to bed and the next morning you find her still sitting there reading, but oddly, during the night, this guy EDWARD is no longer a VAMPIRE …he is now a TATTOO ARTIST? Seriously?

Tattward? WTF??

The next several days are a blur of EDWARD’s parading in and out of your life and the bastard can morph into any character like that fucking movie where people are being taken over by body snatchers.

He goes from a mob boss to,

Mafiaward

To a doctor…

Doctorward

and most fittingly, Punkassward!

Punkassward

By the following Friday night, you demand an explanation and she tells you its called Fan Fiction!

Then one day….EDWARD suddenly now has a FACE to go with the name and, OH MY GAWD! YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS THE Second Coming of ELVIS himself, only its WORSE!

 EDWARD CULLEN IS NOW STARRING IN HIS OWN MOVIE…NO WAIT… ITS ONE MOVIE FOR EACH BOOK!

Commence banging your head now…we can wait till you are done…

Better? Okay, where were we…oh yes, so now you find that you stare at this face on your home computer’s background desktop and you want to smash it. He needs to die and you find yourself looking up how to kill a vampire.

Take that, Edward!

The months ahead consist of premiers…Twilight parties…

Your house even gets invaded by women who are just as obsessed as they sit around and swoon over this guy who you now know as none other than…

ROBERT PATTINSON

Robert Pattinson

Yes, it is the second name you will regret ever hearing for the rest of your life.

You consider counseling…isolation, deprogramming, vacations…anything to reclaim your wife but…oddly this fanfiction bullshit has a few perks…she comes to bed a little frisky and you take advantage of it…hey, might as well enjoy it while your getting it…maybe this Twilight shit aint so bad….

Edward has brought you a few nice orgasms, some loving, a quickie in the car…something you HAVEN’T done in years…..

Then one day she calls you by a name you simply cannot take…

There are Bobwards Jeffwards Ericwards Brentwards Stevewards Michaelwards Richardwards

And, at this point, all we can say is…the last movie installment is still 2 and a half MONTHS away….

Will it all end?

Will you get your wife back?

WE CAN ONLY OFFER YOU HOPE AND GIVE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT MAY GET YOU LAID ONE MORE TIME….
SHOW YOUR WIFE THESE PHOTOS AND TELL HER THERE YA GO BABY….
THE ONE THING YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR….

IT IS THE BEST I CAN DO FOR YOU, GENTLEMEN…UNTIL BREAKING DAWN COMES OUT, MAKE SURE YOU ARE PREPARED WITH THE FOLLOWING…

-HOT LINGERIE YOU BOUGHT FOR HER

-SILK BOXERS FOR YOU

-PLENTY OF VARIOUS LUBES (note: MAY NOT BE REQUIRED!)

-CONDOMS

– A BOTTLE OF VIAGRA…PAY WHATEVER IT TAKES BECAUSE YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO LAST MORE THAN FIVE F*CKING MINUTES AFTER ALL THIS…..

BECAUSE ON NOVEMBER 18 2011…

IT IS PAYOFF TIME MOTHERF*KERS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET LAID AND ROCK THIS F*KING WORLD LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

-YOUR TEAM TWILIGHT MAFIA HUBBY’S FOR THE UPCOMING 2011 WORLD WIDE F*KFEST !

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4 Comments

Filed under Rob Pattinson

4 responses to “For the Long Suffering Men in Our Lives

  1. rita01tx

    OMG! I love this! That RHM is a clever girl and your visuals just add to our reading pleasure. Next time Bear catches me perving on Rob, I’ll show him this…LMAO!!

  2. hahahahahhaha! that was just beautiful. i loved it and the pics were a very nice addition. those back muscle flexing… *drool*
    i have a couple of questions if someone would oblige.
    is the second moving pic from breaking dawn or another movie? i can’t see the face properly.
    what exactly is smexy short for?
    what does DBF mean?

    • Ok first I had to repost this cause WP has it marked to a few of us as “Post not Found” when we tried to click on it so IF YOU are reading THIS POST PLEASE hit the HOME TAB at the top and comment on THAT Page so that EVERYONE will be able to comment on the sam post! In the mean time,

      Thanks Bananafox!! I believe the second gif is from Breaking Dawn that is why it is so fuzzy (bootleg copy here). they were pulled by scummit almost immediately after they appeared.
      2 Admitting my ignorance i am not EXACTLY sure What Smexy means. If I had to guess I would say a combination of SMUTTY and SEXY! (how’d I do girls?)
      3 DBF stands for Dear Boy Friend. It can also be Damn Boy Friend. it is also used as DD/Dear/Damn Daughter DS Dear/Damn Son etc etc.

  3. Humina, his back. Humina, his shoulders. Humina, the thrusting,GAH! Great post, thank you!

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