Hello, and welcome to a very special Halloween edition of Rob Attack News. Today, we bring you these clips of an important news broadcast, giving advice on what to do in the wake of reports that a ZOMBIE INVASION has broken out across the world:
A BBC report advised everyone to stay inside and make no attempt whatsoever to reach loved ones. It also detailed ways in which you can fend off the zombies – the most important tip being DESTROYING THE BRAIN in whatever way you can. There are no answers as to why this zombie invasion is happening – all we know is that we all must do whatever we possibly can in oder to survive.
BREAKING NEWS: RA NEWS RECEIVES FIRST PICTURES OF ZOMBIE INVASION
London is reportedly desolate:
And Manchester equally so, with only a handful of people attempting to flee the city and reach loved ones:
Reports are also coming in that in the last few minutes, the invasion has reached parts of the USA, although we can’t say at the moment how severe the situation is there.
…whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s just stop this right now! Panic not, dear friends – there is no zombie invasion! It’s all a bit of fun in honour of Horror Month and of course, Halloween! HOWEVER, in this post, I will be asking ‘what would YOU do in a zombie invasion?’ Amongst a few other postentially horrifying things *evil cackle*
So, onto our first question – would you be prepared for a zombie invasion? If so, what plan would you put into action in order to survive? Let me know in the comments!
Personally, I think our collective plan would be something like this:
So, here’s the plan – we go to a caravan park,
nick an RV,
barricade the doors and windows, draw up a rota (who wants to go first?) for sex with Rob,then have a nice cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over!
*Sits back in chair doing best plan laugh* Yep. Sounds about right to me! BWAHAHAHA!
Anyway, onto our second and final question for this special Rob Attack Halloween post – this question came to me in the dead of night *snickers – how appropriate!* while I was watching Land of the Dead. You know when you’re watching a movie and you notice little things that make you think? Little things that amuse you? That. As I was watching the film I kept an eye out for some good old-fashioned zombie makeup, and in the process of doing so, I found that one of the zombie extras looked a bit like Rob as Edward in the first Twi movie! Spooky, I know – but it got me thinking – what would I do – what would WE do if Rob turned into a zombie? Could you handle it if one day, you met Rob and instead of lusting for your bod, he wanted your braaaaaaaaiiiins?!
…that’s a face only a mad doctor would love. Or another zombie – and I don’t think anyone wold be about to let themselves turn just for him – zombies can’t have sex! They’re too stupid! It would all be such a waste…*sigh* Maybe Rob Zombie would look different to that? Maybe he would look a little more like himself?
Let’s try another scenario – Rob isn’t a zombie. I can already hear the collective sighs of relief. So, Rob isn’t a zombie – instead, he’s part of our zombie-slaying team:
*salivates in Homer Simpson-esque way* Mmmmm, Slayerbert. My, that’s a big shotgun you have there, Rob! And an axe, too? You must have very strong arms…..*snaps back into concentration* So, we’re going zombie slaying with Rob. What do we pack? What do we pack?! I know just the stuff – let’s take you back to a few Halloweens ago, when I had this exact conversation with a friend – let’s call her AC.
TMM: There’s a zombie invasion. What would we take with us?
AC: First Aid kit, guns, axe, a camera and Rob Pattinson.
TMM: Hmm, I tend to agree! Although I can’t help but think something’s a little out of place…why the camera?
AC: It’s simple – we use the camera to document the experience. Also – we’re trapped in a zombie invasion with Robert f*cking Pattinson – *shouts* QUICK, ROB! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT TO CAUSE A DISTRACTION! *Click* 😉
I think that’s pretty conclusive, don’t you? 😉