Random Rita ~ When Edward’s Peen Takes a Stand!

Wet Rob Avi

Mornin’, ladies!

You know, there’s nothin’ sadder than Edward’s poor, abused peen waitin’ 100+ years for him to make a move already!

And it’s not only Edward’s peen doin’ all the sufferin’…his hands are hopelessly uninformed about female anatomy…

Rob Attack

Though we understand that it is ultimately the penis attached to Mr. Cullen that will enter and spend a great deal of time in the vagina of the woman that we are finally able to touch, we do hope to also have an opportunity to touch one. What  are the labia like? Do they hang? Are they firm? Stretchy? Can they be pinched as well?

Even Edward’s kinky feet have complaints they insist must be addressed LOL!

Rob Attack

Ve Vere zinking that ve vould very much enjoy having her little feet and toes all tied-up und under our control. Ve don’t just vant to vatch zem viggle, ve vant to vatch zem squirm.

Ve vant to control zeir pleasure und pain. Ve vant to punish zem vhen they don’t treat us vell. Ve vant to show zem how zis punishment can mean great pleasure for zem as vell as for us.

Who do you turn to for advice when nothin’ you try works?

Read Letters to the Federation of Unionized Cocks FUC by Jackie K Paper and find out!

Rob Attack


Dear FUC, The cock-blocking asshole I’m attached to hasn’t let me get near a vagina in over 100 years! Isn’t there a limit that straight non-priests can go without letting their cock at some pussy? Sincerely The Virgin Cock attached to Ednonfuck Cullen.

Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor – Edward – Chapters: 5 – Words: 6,797 – Reviews: 30 – Favs: 15 – Follows: 11 – Updated: Apr 6, 2012 – Published: Jan 18, 2012 – Status: Complete – id: 7752918


Now, if that little jewel wasn’t *ahem* long enough *cough*, do NOT miss…

Fabulous blinkie by Rose Arcadia!

Rob Attack

the absolute classic in peen laments, which goes to…

Rob Attack

Banner by Preciousfairymom80


You’ve heard of Edward’s pov, but what about Edward’s peen’s pov? Get inside the peen’s perspective and see what goes on inside the pants. If you’ve ever thought it was hard being a person, try living this life. AH, AU, M, E&B eventually.

Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 21 – Words: 83,395 – Reviews: 683 – Favs: 552 – Follows: 520 – Updated: Mar 24, 2013 – Published: Jan 17, 2011 – Status: Complete – id: 6661209

Rob Attack

And don’t forget the sequel…

Ramblings of a Whipped Peen by Smmiskimen


This is a sort of follow up/sequel to Confessions of an Overworked, Underpaid Peen. This will be little one shots of snippets of his life, little happenings, and such. EPPov AH, OOC

Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 11 – Words: 14,148 – Reviews: 217 – Favs: 128 – Follows: 140 – Updated: Oct 22, 2012 – Published: Nov 30, 2011 – Status: Complete – id: 7594977

Know of any other fics where Edward’s cock takes center stage?

Rob Attack

Happy Friday, y’all!


Night Raider


Filed under Fan Fiction Recs, Peen, Rita01tx

18 responses to “Random Rita ~ When Edward’s Peen Takes a Stand!

  1. bevey99

    Confessions had me rolling on the floor at every update. Funniest sh.. ever!

    • rita01tx

      Bevey darlin’! My DH couldn’t understand why I needed a box of tissues next to my computer until tears of laughter started streamin’ down my face!
      ps: I don’t know how the FF Witch Hunters have overlooked it but I’m happy they have {Oh crap! I hope they don’t read my posts}!

  2. naughtyhisbella

    Bwah! I love this! The german accent had me in tears! Off to read the peen’s thoughts…Ich liebe dich, Rita

  3. eewee333

    Rita, you always crack me up! But hey, who doesn’t love Edward’s peen, right?

    • rita01tx

      Pffft! Eewee darlin’…it’s why we all read fan fic and don’t let anyone tell you “it’s the story” *gigglesnort!* Seriously? ODES have been written to Edward’s peen! Descriptions written so visually perfect you can practically see, touch, taste and smell it! Yuuuummm! And don’t get me started on the sounds we get to hear from Edward at all the seein’, touchin’, tastin’ and smellin’ LOL!

  4. ClaireBamboozle

    Hey Rita, I thought you wuz ignoring me this morning, now I know you were just mesmerized by the heavenly peen. lol.
    Thanks for giving me two more for the e reader.

  5. rita01tx

    Yeah, I got back to RF just in time to see that I’d missed you! It ain’t a hardship lookin’ for peen pics, but it is tryin’ to pic the ones you want and deletin’ the rest! How to choose…decisions, decisions LMAO!

  6. Oh Rita! You’s so pervy!!! It’s one of the best things about you! *snort*
    Vee must vatch zee gif again and again! Hahaha Writing that accent would kill me! I’d have red lines all over my word doc and I’s way too OCD to attempt that! Rob does tend to jump in the deepest part of the Gutter when he’s been drinkin’ Bless Him!!

    • rita01tx

      Rose Arcadia is a master blinkie maker…the pervier, the better LOL!
      As for the rude hand gesture made by Tipsy Rob, the debate is still ragin’ whether it was intentional or just an unfortunate split second caught on camers {well, he coulda had an itch!??!}!

  7. Rita, I have to tell you – I have news that has little to do with the Edward’s Peen post (although I enjoyed it … er … enormously). Well, come to think of it, Edward’s peen gets plenty of attention in this fic…

    I just got an alert that SareLiz has written a new chapter for “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, after a hiatus of more than three years!!! This was one of the first vamp fics I ever read, and there have been precious few that grabbed me as hard as this one. It’s EPOV (win!), digs deep into Edward’s heart and mind (and libido), Bella’s thoroughly likable, Charlie’s awesome, the other Cullens are delightful, even the wolves are intriguing. I can’t think of another fic that does a sweeter job of evoking the E/B connection, and her lemons are positively sizzling. For instance, you will never forget their first kiss in the cafeteria. Sigh.

    The currently posted summary doesn’t tell you much, but here’s an older one:
    “The day Edward finds his mate, his world grinds to a halt and starts spinning the other way ’round; this is true even in canon, though there it takes Edward many hundreds of pages to fully acknowledge it. But what might be different if Edward weren’t blinded by his bloodlust and hamstrung by his inability to hear his mate? Would Edward and Bella still be the intensely romantic figures they are in canon? What sort of ripple effect would occur from Edward’s inevitable changes in behavior? Would there still be a compelling story to tell?”
    Um, YES. If you enjoy canonesque fics at all, check this one out! Definitely one of my top 10 EVER.


    • rita01tx

      Good news, indeed, Renée darlin’! Gives us hope other authors will continue their wonderful stories for us…eventually!
      I admit havin’ a pure D sweettooth for canon stories and this looks like a good one I’d hate to have missed! Thanks for lettin’ us know!!!

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