Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fics!

Wet Rob Avi

Evenin’ ladies!

Comes a time when dark, angsty fics overshadow everything else to such an extent, a little comic relief is more welcome than your next breath LOL!

So, last week when Kay asked me to give her a break with some fluffy stuff, I was more than willin’ to go fic divin’ in my TBR on her behalf *gigglesnort!*

As a result, I’ve got two completes and one WIP for your enjoyment this week!

Now, my version of fluff is the side-splittin’, sexy as hell, funny shizz you’ll find in the following fabulous fics!

OH, AND BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET ME REMIND YOU: UNDER 18’S NEED TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO READ, OKAY???

Rob Attack

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5169904/1/Failure-to-Thrive

Bella is sexually unfulfilled after four horrible encounters. She meets Edward Masen, and things begin to change. Edward is sexally insatiable and Bella has been told she’s frigid. B/E/AH/AU/OOC. Rated M for a reason! Lemons to follow. Humor/Sarcasm

Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Hurt/Comfort – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 27 – Words: 195,999 – Reviews: 2,352 – Favs: 3,372 – Follows: 2,596 – Updated: Jun 11, 2012 – Published: Jun 27, 2009 – Status: Complete – id: 5169904

It wasn’t Dr. Carlisle like the door said. It was actually E. McCarty, MD., according to the embroidery on his white coat. He was big – really big. Tall—good grief, he had to be like 6’3″.

“Describe your last panic attack, please? Take your time, details are not required here… just the general idea.”

“Well, I was on a date with Tyler Crowley. We were in his car. The date was…well, I thought the date was almost over.” The last part came out in a rush. “TylerCrowleytouchedmybreastsandIstartedtohyperventilate. I didn’t black out, though. I just-got out of the car and ran inside.”

“Bella, have you been on a date since then?”

“Uh…no?”

“Have you touched anyone? Hugged someone? Held anyone’s hand or touched someone’s forearm? That was the instruction in Pfeiffer’s notes for your last visit with him.”

“Uh….er….I… bumped into someone at the Frosty Freeze. Does that count?”

“Every little bit helps,” he said softly, surprising me. “I want you to do two things before I see you in two weeks. First, I want you to make non-threatening casual contact with someone you trust. It can be any form of touch that you think you can handle. Second, I want you to say yes to two things that you normally would decline.

“Okay Dr. McCarty. Thanks. This was better than I thought it would be.”

“We don’t break out the whips and dildos until the second visit,” he said deadpan.

My eyes became as round as saucers, and then I began to laugh…and then snicker…and then guffaw….

He was laughing too.

“One last thing, Bella,” he said. “Hug, handshake or high five?”

Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Hug.” I was immediately, albeit gently, engulfed in a soft, warm embrace and then released just as quickly.

“Well done, Bella. You can consider that completion of assignment number one.

Now go out there and get to work on assignment two.”

OMG! Emmett McCarty as a sex therapist? Actually, in this fic, he made a great one LMAO! Needless to say, Bella literally stumbles into Edward in the reception area of the doctor’s office and his problem is the complete opposite!

“Insatiable huh?” I couldn’t help grinning. “Is that the clinical expression for a sex addict?”

A horrified look appeared on his face. Frowning, shaking his head and looking down he stuttered, “Nnno. I’m not a sex addict. I don’t want to deal in numbers exactly… but let’s say that being with me sexually is frustrating for me and physically taxing for the average woman…I tend not to inflict myself on others. It’s more compassionate that way.”

“Wow,” I breathed. “What a pair we are. You can’t get enough, and I can’t get off at all,” I blurted out in a strangled voice. I sputtered and began laughing. Gasping and clutching the arms of the chair, I managed to get out, “I’m NOT laughing at you…. I swear! I’m laughing at the situational irony.”

You’re gonna read this, right? How else are you gonna find out if their “issues” cancel each other out!

~o~o~o~

Rob Attack

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7693130/1/The-Biology-Project

Edward’s an addict resisting treatment, Bella’s a girl who just wants a boyfriend already. What happens when they get paired up for a Biology Project? Bio Lab could get interesting…

Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Hurt/Comfort – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 70 – Words: 211,412 – Reviews: 12,648 – Favs: 3,955 – Follows: 3,302 – Updated: Jun 3, 2012 – Published: Dec 31, 2011 – Status: Complete – id: 7693130

“So. How many times today, Edward?”

I sighed in resignation, the embarrassment of telling my adoptive father how many times I got off in one day truly wearing.

“Only ten.”

“That’s an improvement,” he responded brightly, seemingly pleased with my progress.

“Well if the scenery were better,” I muttered and closed my mouth before I got the lecture.

Hehehehe! I’m sensin’ a recurrin’ theme here today…

The new girl beacon seemed to be shining brightly.

And as I started the awkward walk towards the school office, I knew this would be my only chance to start something new.

New start. New Person. New Life.

Old innocent Bella Swan was no more.

New Bella.

I could be whomever I wanted this time.

Perky. Bubbly.

Maybe not.

Confident. Sure of herself. Dare I say sexy?

I’d shoot for that.

And maybe, finally, I’d get me some.

I was going to make this the best year ever.

So, Edward’s tryin’ to be good and Bella’s doin’ her best to be bad. The tug of war begins when Edward and Bella are paired up to “parent” a fuckin’ bag of fluor LMAO!

Mr. Banner pulled up a box from the floor, and produced a bag of flour in his hands, showing it to everyone with a broad smile. He plopped on at each table, setting ours in between us.

I looked at the sack in confusion.

Were we baking? In Biology?

I was great at baking!

I could make Creepy Hot guy my special pie.

“Introducing your children!”

“Oh, fuck me,” Edward murmured hoarsely beside me.

All I could think of was yes please.

*Pinks tear!* God, I’m glad I graduated high school before that nonsense became all the rage!

Enjoy The Biology Project and tell me if any of you had such ridiculous assignments in high school!

~o~o~o~

Rob Attack

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10486974/1/Girl-Code

Friends are forever, boys are whatever – unless it’s Edward Cullen. Then the gloves come off.

Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 14 – Words: 60,924 – Reviews: 2,463 – Favs: 1,250 – Follows: 2,075 – Updated: Oct 3 – Published: Jun 27 – id: 10486974

Anyone who’s ever read one of LayAtHomeMom’s fics knows you’re in for a real treat when she starts postin’ a new story and I couldn’t wait for this one to complete before bringin’ it to your attention!

Call me weird, warped…whatever, but the mean girls in Girl Code crack me the fuck up! The meaner they are, the funnier I find ’em LMAO!

There are lots of fucked up things about our little group of friends, especially Alice. I consider her my very best frenemy.

We get along because we have to and have known each other far too long not to. She’s all of five feet and two inches and 100 lbs of pure balls and bitch. Maybe I’m being too harsh, because she’s not all bad per se. She can be funny sometimes, clever for sure, and loyal to a fault when it suits her. However, once you piss her off, she can go from zero to psychopath in about thirty seconds flat.

Yeah, you’re not gonna like Alice in this one *gigglesnort!*

“James is just really private.” I hear Victoria say seconds before my bedroom door opens. “That’s why he doesn’t want anyone to know about us.”

Dear, sweet, naïve Victoria. She and James are Port Townsend’s worst kept secret. It’s a damn shame she’s too sprung on him to see what a scumbag he is. Cocky and condescending, the guy is a total prick. I don’t get the appeal. My best guess is that he has a ten inch dick. God bless her for seeing the good in everyone. I just hate how he strings her along.

It’s not until Bella’s best friend, Victoria, sets her sights on the new guy…the new guy who has his sights set on Bella, that the back stabbin’ and cat fights begin and they are hilarious! Well, to me, they are!

Before I can stop myself, the question rolls off my tongue like an accusation. “What about James?”

Still admiring her legs for days and ass for weeks in the mirror, she brushes me off. “What about him?”

“Well, I thought you liked him.”

“I do,” she says with a shrug, sounding utterly non-committal.

“And you like Edward too?”

Nodding, she answers in the very same tone. “Yeah.” She sees my reflection in the mirror and everything about it from my furrowed brow to my slack jaw screams ‘what in the ever-loving fuck’. “What?” she asks defensively. “I like them both.

If James doesn’t see the good thing he’s got, maybe Edward will.”

I take a drink from my iced coffee to cool the white-hot rage surging through my body. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that she wants James, but has Edward behind glass in case of emergency, like on stand-by.

I watch her play with her hair, bunching it up on top of her head and then pulling it down. “Which one do you think I should be with?”

Now here’s where a good friend would level with her. Be completely upfront and honest about my interest in him. Tell her all about the hand holding and my zero mutual friends on Facebook status, thus proving that he’s into me as well.

I know this is the right thing to do.

It’s also the rational thing to do, but the buck stops there, because if there’s one thing I know about girls in general, it’s that most of us aren’t rational. More than likely she won’t be cool about the situation and give her blessing. She’ll piss on him, claim him, and James will be nothing more than a memory, because she’ll be all about Edward.

Chicks before dicks. Besties before testes. Fries before guys. These are a small fraction of the rules by which girl world is governed. For the most part, I hold these truths to be self evident – except in the case of Edward Cullen.

So, did I deliver fluff or did I deliver fluff!?!

Happy Friday, y’all!

Rita

Night Raider

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15 Comments

Filed under Fan Fiction Recs, Rita01tx

15 responses to “Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fics!

  1. Oh Rita, I asked for fluff and boy did you ever deliver, I can’t wait to dig in! I have The Biology Project on my Kindle already and it was actually one of the fics I was pondering over reading last week when I was in that quandary, so on your good say so I am going to jump on it ASAP. So, while I was anticipating your recs for this week, I read My Wounded Soldier by Counselor, as suggested. IT WAS FABULOUS! It took me a chapter or two to get comfortable with her unique writing style, but once I got the rhythm of it, I couldn’t get enough. That there fic is film worthy. It held me all the way through and it holds me still. I have bypassed that story time and time again, intending to get to it eventually, but it just did not call to me. Had you not recommended MWS to me, I don’t know when I’d have gotten around to reading it. Thank you, Rita dearest, thank you and thank you for the fluffy treats this week. They all look like fun reads.

    • rita01tx

      Aw, Kay darlin’! I just know you’ll like ’em! And I’m so glad you enjoyed My Wounded Soldier! Counselor’s writin’ style is definitely unique and takes a little gettin’ used to but, once you find the groove, it’s so worth it!
      Now that you mention films, is anyone aware of fanfics bein’ filmed other than Fifty Shades of Grey? ‘Cause I know many worthy fics have been pulled to publish that would make absolutely epic films!
      First one that springs to my mind is Poughkeepsie by MrsThe King! {Bella intervenes before bullies can beat up homeless “Green Eyes” Edward}. Next would absolutely be The Diva Diaries by Kiyaraven! Last Tango in Forks would be another one and those are only a few of the ones I’ve actually read!

  2. I agree with you on Poughkeepsie. I’ve not read DD or LTiF yet. After my fluff, I’ll get right on it though. Do you think Emancipation Proclamation would make a good film? It was one of my first fics and I was well and truly addicted, between that one and Wide Awake. The University of Edward Mason might make a good film.

    • rita01tx

      Surely, the subject matter…human trafficin’, in Emancipation Proclamation would be relevant today! It would take a first class screenwriter and director to bring it to life in just the right way, but hell yeah!!! That and we all see Rob playin’ the Edward part…that goes without sayin’!
      MotU was my first fan fic, followed by Wide Awake! I was well and truly hooked after that, I can tell you!

  3. christa64c

    I’m not a fluff kind of reader, but Girl Code sounds deliciously decadent. I’m in!!!
    Emancipation Proclamation is my all time favorite fic, and the one I want to see come to the big screen! I also think Ladder to the Sun by Rosybud would make a great movie.

    • rita01tx

      Hey, Christa darlin’ {{HUGS!!}} Girl Code has just the right amount of snarkiness to offset the fluff…you’ll love it!
      As for Ladder to the Sun, it’s the only one of Rosybud’s fics I have listed on my TBR and I haven’t read it yet *gasp!* On your rec, I’ll have to give it a try!
      https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5479529/1/Ladder-to-the-Sun
      How can you die when you’ve never really lived? That’s the problem Bella Swan faces when she’s told she only has a year to live. Can she make up for a lonely, unhappy life in the short time she has left… and maybe find love too? All-human, EXB
      Rated: Fiction M – English – Angst/Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 22 – Words: 111,847 – Reviews: 2,452 – Favs: 3,745 – Follows: 1,611 – Updated: Sep 24, 2010 – Published: Oct 31, 2009 – Status: Complete – id: 5479529

  4. rita01tx

    Woo hoo! Rob’s in Chicago…can you say Manchu????

  5. ClaireBamboozle

    Hi Rita, thanks for bringing some more lovely fic recs our way…you are our personal fic fluffer 😉
    Hope you have a great weekend.
    xoxox

    • rita01tx

      So, it’s my job to keep you all excited and stimulated enough to read and review tons of fan fiction? Damn, it’s fuckin’ true!!!
      Well, I’ll just add that hat to the list:
      * Pervy Godmother
      * Perveyor of RobPorn
      * Personal Fic Fluffer
      Oh, God! I’m not gonna live this one down anytime soon, am I? *Facepalm!*

      • ClaireBamboozle

        Don’t forget to add Comma Corrector and Grammar Wrangler to that list.
        BTW, I’m not sure that tash is my idea of what Manchu looked like, it’s more like he’s channeling Ted Levine from Monk to me, maybe I’d like it more if I saw him from another angle. 😀

        • rita01tx

          That, too LOL! Well, I’m reservin’ judgement until we see our first HQ set still and/or character portrait! Manchu is just the sexiest ‘stache sportin’ motherf*cker in the entire Twilight fanfiction world so naturally I thought of him first LMAO!
          Deviant by planetblue
          https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9069505/1/Deviant
          He pissed me off and then he turned me on. Spectacularly.
          Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 23 – Words: 83,093 – Reviews: 10,075 – Favs: 4,962 – Follows: 3,979 – Updated: May 20, 2013 – Published: Mar 4, 2013 – Status: Complete – id: 9069505
          Put it on your Kindle for laters, BB!

          • ClaireBamboozle

            Already devoured that one, funnily enough I was served in Morrisons the other week by a guy with a proper Manchu tash. Bet he was wondering why this woman who was (just) old enough to be his mother was staring and trying not to smirk.

            • rita01tx

              Heheheh! Hope you didn’t smirk him into shavin’ it off LOL! Actually, I’m hopin’ Rob doesn’t trend more guys into growin’ ‘staches. We really don’t need a trip back to the 70’s!

  6. Hi, Rita! Somehow I missed this post, so my comments are even later than normal.
    Just couldn’t resist seconding/thirding/fourthing your rec for “Failure to Thrive”. Oh my gosh I love that story! Such appealing characters, and oh lord the hotness.
    I appreciated your comments on “The Biology Project” too. That has been on my TBR list for a while, but I’d never seen that impossibly appealing banner! I can’t believe I’ve delayed this long reading a fic by solostintwilight, either. What was I thinking?

    The last few weeks I’ve been absorbed in these two fics:

    Wrecked by Emily F.6, AU vamp https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9671491/1/Wrecked
    A different premise for how Bella meets the Cullens when she moves to Forks. She writes the most amazing connections among Bella and the whole Cullen family, not just Edward. Interesting insights into the wolf pack, too, which usually doesn’t grab me. And me reading a T rated fic?? It MUST be good!

    Alone by Prolific Novice
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10427603/1/Alone
    This first-time author’s writing reminds me in places of the wonderfully poetic miaokuancha. Grabs your heart and won’t let go. Edward is not human but not a vampire either.

    Both are WIPs but there are already lots of chapters and the authors update regularly.

    Thanks as always, Rita!
    Renée

    • rita01tx

      Never too late, Renee darlin’! And thanks for the recs! I’ve been eyeballin’ Alone for a while now but I hadn’t heard of EmilyF.6! Always nice to be introduced to a new author!
      Hope you get the alert for today’s post…which might take a few hours to get up ’cause I’m still readin’ the second story I want to rec LOL!

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