Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fic!

Wet Rob Avi

Good evenin’, ladies!

In my vast *cough* experience, the best medicine for gettin’ through the dark, cold days before Christmas is laughter…and lots of it!

My rec for today is not a new fic but I came across it again this week and couldn’t resist readin’ it again!  What a riot!

I’m so excited to remind you {if you’ve already read it} or introduce you {if you haven’t} to…

Rob Attack


“Who said I had a motive?” he asks.”Why’d you ask me out, Stalkerboy?””That’s simple,” he shrugs turning to me. “I wanted to get into your pants.”I don’t think before I act. I punch the douche in his mouth. And he has the gall to look surprised.

Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 32 – Words: 34,095 – Reviews: 1,548 – Favs: 1,189 – Follows: 754 – Updated: Jun 8, 2012 – Published: Nov 21, 2011 – Status: Complete – id: 7569923

Edward first lays eyes on Bella as she works in Charlie’s coffee shop…

The coffee shop is packed.

I watch as a middleaged woman in a tight pinstriped skirt and a Bluetooth in her ear runs straight into the only waitress in the joint.

“You idiot!” She turns her head as if she’s talking to someone else. “No, not you, Jerry. This retard just spilled coffee all over me!”

The entire shop is silent as they watch the altercation. The waitress turns to see that everyone’s attention is on her and Skirt. Her eyes are brown, and her lips are full, but pursed in anger. Skirt steps forward, but Brown Eyes holds her hand up.

“You don’t want to do this, girly,” she warns.

I’m practically on the edge of my seat, watching all of this go down. I should have brought popcorn!

“Listen here, you inbred skank…” Skirt steps forward and Brown Eyes raises an eyebrow.

Brown Eyes cocks her fist back and punches her square in the face.

The shop is quiet as Skirt stands up on wobbly stained heels and grabs her purse with one hand. The other is holding her bloody swollen nose. Before she can make it to the door, someone from across the room starts a slow clap that turns into a full on applause as everyone drops what they have in their hands so they can clap. I set my phone down and have to stop myself from wolf whistling.

Fuck me. I think I’m in love.

If you’ve ever worked in the service industry, I’m sure you’ve wanted to do just that at some point LOL!

Alice and Edward are business partners in a nearby establishment.

She’s also my half-sister, but we claim nothing. Her last name’s Brandon while mine’s Masen. Together we make B&M’s. It’s a large but very narrow store that’s pretty much split down the middle.

The right side is mine and it’s covered with anything music: CDs, old cassettes and, my pride and joy, vinyl. Alice’s side is plastered with the likes of Marvel, DC, Darkhorse and, my favorite, Archie. She’s even got a little space for the weird anime shit that brings in all kinds of eclectic shoppers. But who am I to judge. I just chugged a cup of coffee that knowingly had someone else’s saliva in it. We’re all weirdoes in one form or another.

We hate each other’s guts, but that’s how we roll.

With such resources, it’s inevitable that Edward uses music to tame the savage Brown Eyes LOL!

Disintegration… he fucking bought me Disintegration.

When I finish reciting the lyric he started from the first track of the album, his smile is beautiful. All lopsided and handsome. I’m sure he practiced that shit as a teenager. Probably got plenty of ass with that smile.

“Do I get a thank you Brown Eyes?” he asks hopefully.

“Thanks Stalkerboy.” I’m still in shock.

No one’s ever bought me music before.

There’s a weird tingly sensation in the corner of my eyes.

As you can see, super sarkiness is my achilles heel when it comes to comedy LMAO! Cute and fluffy has its place but not today!!!

This lovely author has 15 other fics on her profile if this one doesn’t do it for you…I’m sure she’ll have somethin’ you’ll love as much as I love Brown Eyes and Stalker Boy!

What fic tickles your funny bone?

Happy Friday, y’all!


Night Raider


Filed under Fan Fiction Recs, Rita01tx

21 responses to “Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fic!

  1. ClaireBamboozle

    Hi Rita, thanks for bringing a comedy rec, I have so much still to do before Thursday and now the kids are off *gulp* so I need a good giggle to balance the stress.
    Have a great weekend, and I wish you and your DH a very Merry Christmas.

  2. Thanks for all you do. Happy Holidays!!

  3. Hi Rita,

    Brown Eyes and Stalker Boy is excellent story I love it a lot! Marley’s mother is beautiful too.

    Hmm for me stories by Nolebucgrl tickle my funny bone and same goes for
    What’s Up Doc? Bella POV


    Oh, I’ll show you what’s Up… EPOV of the story

    Have a great holidays and Marry Christmas


    • rita01tx

      Hi Zveka darlin’! Haven’t gotten around to Marley’s Mother yet. I’m thinkin’ it might be too emotional for me LOL! But thanks for recin’ CaraNo’s WUD and OISYWU fics…they were hilarious! Good to know they’re available on her blog after they disappeared from FFN!
      Merry Christmas, hon! {{HUGS!}}

      • Well Mqrley’s Mother is emotional but so beautiful!!!
        I forgot this one … still WIP but what a hilarious Christmas Tale

        by JonesnInDaHood… aka Jonesn and Hoodfabulous
        When local cop Edward Cullen breaks into Bella Swan’s house to stuff her stockings, he gets more than he bargained for. A Christmas TwiFic Drabble dedicated to our readers.
        Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 6 – Words: 4,486 – Reviews: 335 – Favs: 220 – Follows: 430 – Updated: Dec 18 – Published: Dec 7 – id: 10875376

        • rita01tx

          Oh, yeah! Those crazy ladies are givin’ us a fabulously funny fic…just right for this time of year! Another good one is It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by Staceleo!
          Love comes to Miss Swan unexpectedly during the holidays. This is for Suebee to make her smile.
          Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 12 – Words: 17,002 – Reviews: 579 – Favs: 202 – Follows: 388 – Updated: Dec 19 – Published: Dec 9 – id: 10880240
          The summary doesn’t give away a lot but, basically, Bella is a penny pinchin’, “bah humbug,” Scrooge kinda girl while Edward is the physical embodiment of the Spirit of Christmas, if there ever was one LMAO!

  4. thanks for the link 🙂
    I don’t know if you read this one, it’s truly beautiful and it’s happen during Christmas time, this one is to read and re-read 🙂

    By: ericastwilight
    She loves the holidays. He loathes them. As new neighbors, they have to learn to tolerate each other. The problem for Edward is that she’s irresistible in red. Can she bring the Grinch around in time to save him from a lonely New Year?
    Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 22 – Words: 44,775 – Reviews: 2,315 – Favs: 1,364 – Follows: 1,154 – Updated: Jan 14 – Published: Dec 19, 2013 – Status: Complete – id: 9938576

    • rita01tx

      No, I haven’t! Sounds like the opposite of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear LOL! I’ll have to give it a read! Thanks, BB! MWAH!!!

      • Thanks for rec’d for It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by Staceleo… oh my they are too funny and cute 🙂 thanks again :), just needed something light and funny to read

        • rita01tx

          Glad you liked it! Staceleo writes some of the funniest Edward and Bellas! I like her snarky Bellas the best, like in the first fic of hers I read…Curve Ball, which turned into a trilogy LOL!

        • well I will need to put this one on my TBR list pronto 🙂
          did you follow this one from Staceleo?
          Their job is to teach the young. Now the teachers are becoming the students when learning about romance. A silly tale about love, teaching, and learning to live to the fullest.
          Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 4 – Words: 10,030 – Reviews: 271 – Favs: 264 – Follows: 495 – Updated: Nov 18 – Published: Oct 29 – id: 10789130

  5. edwardsvamptramp69

    Happy Holidays, Ladies! I hate this time of year because it doesn’t leave me enough time to READ!!! But I always take your recc’s seriously so when things do slow down again, I can jump right in!

    But…………………..since it is Christmas, I’m laughing my ass off with these fabulous fics!

    1) O Holy Christmas by CaraNo (LOVE that Bella and her boys remind me of “Growing up Gotti” without the Mafia reference!)

    2) It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by staceleo (for some reason this Edward reminds me of Will Ferrell in “Elf”……………….nothing gets him down:)

    3) Operation: Santa’s Elves by JonesnInDaHood (Mr.Nibbles and a pussy that’s on fire will surely have you spitting liquid out of your nose if you’re not careful:)

    4) The Red Coats by ericastwilight (nothing better than hot, annoying neighbors……….yeah, I’ve had a few of them)

    Looks like they’ve all been mentioned in this post already, except for “O Holy Christmas” which I just happened to stumble across courtesy of the lovely ficsisters! Rita and Claire, you may have even mentioned it in the past, not sure, but if you haven’t, you can’t go wrong with CaraNo!


  6. Thanks a lot, Rita!! I don’t like angst and drama, and I think a big pill of laughs is the best medicine, too. I m a doctor and I know what I’m saying (not ever).
    Happy New Year, honey. A kiss is flying for you, it’s from my baby Blanca. And yes, one month ago she started to say NO. But she’s so lovely when she says it…

    • rita01tx

      Exaltada, darlin’! {{JUMPYHUGS!!}} Belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your little family!!!
      Time goes so quickly I can’t believe our precious Blanca is already startin’ to talk! Oh, boy! You’re in trrouble now LMAO! As I tell my DH when he’s bein’ naughty…”It’s a good thing you’re cute!”

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