Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fics!

Wet Rob Avi

Well, ladies!

You’re either gonna love me or hate me for today’s feature fic…probably love me THEN hate me *facepalm!*

This story is a WIP…one that hasn’t updated since 10 June 2012! The author only had one chapter left to write before beginnin’ the much anticipated sequel when radio silence ensued. Luckily, chapter 35 leaves us with enough to pretty much predict how it all ends, even though it would have been nice if she’d been able to continue narratin’ the events for us *sigh!*

So, why the hell am I even bringin’ it to your attention?


I’m talkin’ about an Edward more lethal than MujerN’s Ruthless and Ivory! Hell’n he’d give DurtyNelly’s Edward in Buried Among the Begonias a run for his money in the Crazy Town department LOL!

It’s simply not to be missed!

Rob Attack

{banner by evilangel813}

{Did I mention it’s too mature for FFN so it’s only available on TWCS?!}


Categories: Canon Pairings, Twilight, All Human
Characters: Bella/Edward
Chapters: 35 Table of Contents
Completed: No  Published: 23 Feb 2010   Updated: 10 Jun 2012


Edward Cullen is the leader of The Clan, a fierce and deadly group of assassins for hire and he knows nothing besides violence and blood. When he meets Bella, he begins to imagine that there might be more for him out there. A dark journey of love, power and death.


I was speechless. I was furious. I wanted to kill. I wanted to destroy something. Completely and utterly obliterate it until there was nothing there.

My head was a mess.

My hands clenched into fists and I could feel my fingernails cutting into the flesh of my palms. I welcomed the sting, embracing it, letting it fuel the fire burning inside me. It felt like I was going to explode.

Let me out! Screamed the demon in frustration.

Blood. Violence. Pain. Fury. Anger. Sadness. Pity.

There were a million emotions all vying for dominance in my mind. Nothing was clear anymore. I was no longer a rational being, I was a man driven, controlled only by his hate

And I revelled in it.

“Edward?” a soft, low and shaky voice seeped through my haze, distracting me for a moment.

Who was that? I was so lost in my own diseased mind I had forgotten Bella was there. She was looking at me, obviously distraught.

The demon roared in frustration. It did not want the distraction, and at the moment that’s all she was. I could almost literally feel him trying to tear his way out of my body.

She was too close.

I wanted to believe that I could never hurt Bella, but the demon was another story. He was dangerous.

And he was out of control.

I was in actual physical pain, I was so angry. I couldn’t be what she needed at that moment; all I would do is hurt her more. I had to get away. I needed to vent this rage and let the monster inside me out.

I needed release.

And woe is he who finds himself in Edward’s crosshairs when he needs release of a non-sexual nature!

“Get me the drugs trolley; make sure there are enough stimulants. I want the knives, blowtorch, oil and a funnel. Now.”

Seth nodded and moved away quickly. I was glad for it, any hesitation on his part and he might have been on the receiving end of my wrath. Right now there were only two people in the world who would be safe around me and that was Jasper and Emmett. That was only because they shared my penchant for revenge and could handle themselves if I lost control. They were the only ones on the planet who had a chance in hell at restraining me.

Edward. I can smell him Edward, I can taste his fear. Can you hear his heart? I can, it’s beating so fast from the pain he has already suffered at your hands. But it’s not enough. You KNOW it’s not enough. Think of what he has done to your Bella. Your angel. Let me out. Let ME deal with him, and I promise I will make him suffer. He will pay for the pain he has inflicted on that girl you care so much for. All you have to do is let me out. Let me out. Give me control.

The demon crooned inside me, its voice smooth and velvet. The red haze around my vision thickened as he continued to promise vengeance for Bella. I found myself powerless and unwilling to deny the creature.

I gave myself over the dark.

The red haze completely engulfed me and the last thing that pierced my rational thought was the sound of a maniacal, crazy laugh echoing through the hall.

The laugh had come from me.

Now do you understand? This had me so hooked, everything else was pushed aside until I finished! My poor email inbox is backed up like a clogged drain with my regular WIP updates LMAO!


Also, we’ve had a wonderful surprise! The Art of Getting Fluffed by ChocolateSparrow has recently updated TWICE after a long HIATUS!

Rob Attack


Like every professional, Edward Cullen needs the right tools for the job. But what happens when they just don’t work anymore? Cue Bella Swan, an expert at being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The adventures of Bunny and Fluff. Short funny chapters rated M for a reason.

Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Edward, Bella – Chapters: 37 – Words: 71,567 – Reviews: 4,494 – Favs: 1,823 – Follows: 3,015 – Updated:6h ago – Published: Mar 17, 2013 – id: 9109151

This inability to perform on request is becoming a common occurrence.

Jasper calls for a break and pulls me to one side, his brows dipped in concern.

“Ed, we need to do something about this, every minute’s costing us.” He knows as well as I do our production company can’t take any delays. We run a tight budget.

“I can’t help it, it’s like my dick needs to be wooed. Rosalie isn’t doing it for me.”

“I’ve got a little blue friend who can help.” From the way he taps the medicine cabinet next to us, I assume he doesn’t mean a smurf.

“I’m not taking Viagra. That shit can muck up your system.” Okay, so I’ve put hundreds of different chemicals in my mouth before, but I’ve never messed with my libido. Jesus Christ, I’m twenty-six, not sixty-six.

“You’re gonna have to do something, we can’t go on like this.” Jasper is literally pulling his hair out. He’s tugging at his blond locks like they’re going to help me get it up. It isn’t working.

“I want a fluffer.”

Jasper stops his tugging and stares at me, his mouth slightly open. A moment later, he starts to laugh.

“Nobody uses fluffers any more, Ed. That’s why God invented Viagra.”

“Correction, nobody but Edward Cullen uses fluffers. And I need you to get me one, pronto.”

Jasper starts to pace, his brown leather work boots scuffing across the linoleum of the studio floor. “Where do you think I’m going to get one from, fluffersRus dot com?”

“I don’t know, there must be someone who still does that shit.”

“Dude, the only fluffers that were ever any good were ex-porn stars, and you and I both know they’ll turn you on even less than Rosalie Hale does.” Jasper is hissing now. He keeps looking at his watch like a girl on a blind date. “For fuck’s sake just pop a pill.”

“I won’t do it.” I fold my arms in front of me like a toddler having a tantrum. “I want to sort this out the old fashioned way.”

“Now he thinks he’s John fucking Holmes.” Yeah, Jasper is definitely pissed. He always starts talking in the third person when he’s really riled up. But I love him anyway for comparing me to the best-ever porn star, even if John Holmes died years ago.

“Come on,” I cajole, sensing a little weak spot, “just give it a go. If it doesn’t work, I promise I’ll go blue for you.”

Jasper leans against the wall, cupping his hand around his stubbled chin as his lips twist to the side. This is his thinking pose.

“If, and I mean if, I do this, what sort of girl are you looking for?”

I glance over at Rosalie Hale. She’s standing in front of a mirror, cupping her overlarge enhanced globes in her hands as she pouts at herself.

“She needs to be all natural. No fake tits, just a bangin’ body.” I start to form a picture in my mind. “And she can’t be old. I want her to be in her early twenties, maybe mid twenties. No older.”

Rosalie is now watching herself shake her own hair, and the over-processed blonde locks whip through the air as she moves.

“And she needs to have brown hair. No blondes.” I’m feeling pleased with myself. I can just picture this cute little brunette, doing whatever it takes to make me get it up.

It’s like I’m one of those kids in that movie ‘Weird Science’ and I’m making my ideal woman. Just the thought of her makes me twitch.

Shit, if I can get a hard-on from just thinking about her, I can’t wait to see what she’s going to do for me in the flesh.

Gee, I wonder who winds up with that dream job *drool!*

What fics have had you burnin’ the midnight oil?

Happy Friday, y’all!


Night Raider


Filed under Fan Fiction Recs, Rita01tx, Rob Pattinson

99 responses to “Random Rita ~ Friday Feature Fics!

  1. eewee333

    Hi Rita! Happy Friday. I am definitely going to read this one. I love an evil tough Edward every once in a while. Right now I’m reading I Do, Maybe and I can’t put it down. Great story. So many stories to read, never enough time. We really do have some wonderful writers in this fandom. And I saw where our very own Rob’s Fantasy updated her story as well. Well, back to work for me. Have a great weekend! Love and Hugs, E

    • rita01tx

      Hi, Eewee darlin’! Couldn’t agree more about the wonderful writers we’ve been blessed with, as well as those we haven’t heard about yet but will soon, no doubt…my favorite thing LOL!
      You’re lucky to be readin’ I Do Maybe as a complete fic as it drove me crazy as a WIP! Rarely have I ever wanted to throttle Edward more LOL!
      Kim’s workin’ on chapter 31 of A Rendezvous With Death but it’s slow goin’ now that she has a full time job! It helped that all the wonderful reviews of chapter 30 got her all jazzed up LMAO!
      Enjoy the weekend, hon *HUGS!*

  2. edwardsvamptramp69

    Thank you, Rita! Thanks to you I got my groove back with your last post and am back in the FF game!!!! SSQQQQUUUEEEe!

    I will definitely give this one a go, too!

    Happy Friday and thanks for kicking my butt back into gear.:)


    • rita01tx

      Glad to hear it, Paula darlin’, and you’re very welcome! I’ll do my best to keep you stocked up with the best fics, both old and new!
      Hell’n I’m almost skeered to take a break from fanfiction in case I miss somethin’ LOL!

  3. dpennell007

    I bookmarked that first story for when I decide to make a visit to the ‘dark side’. It looks pretty intense!

    This Sunday they are announcing the Age of Edward authors – which I’m looking forward to, and I’m following 2 other contests – so I haven’t been reading as many completed stories as usual. I finished Kay’s funny rec How to Win Back the Love of Your Existance last night, and I’m following your WIP suggestion from last week The Poor Writer’s Travel Diary. It’s good!

    I just started another one that’s been on my TBR list, and I really like it so far:

    No Ordinary Proposal
    By: twilover76
    Bella wants to escape her small-town life and live her dreams in New York. What happens when a man almost twice her age makes her an offer she can’t refuse? AH/M
    Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Drama – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 37 – Words: 163,556 – Reviews: 10,937 – Favs: 8,266 – Follows: 6,593 – Updated: Dec 1, 2013 – Published: May 6, 2012 – Status: Complete – id: 8092082

    • No-Ordinary-Proposal is excellent Donna, love all her stories, Fated love is great too

      • dpennell007

        It is excellent! Thanks for the tip on Fated Love. That’s good to know, because I usually like to try one other story from a new (to me) author before I move on.

    • rita01tx

      Hey, Donna darlin’! I’ve only read Twilover76’s one shots so far but I have No Ordinary Proposal earmarked to read for rec. If you and Zveka say it’s awesome, that’s good enough for me!

  4. When you start making comparisons to the Edward from Ruthless and Ivory lore, I take notice. I will definitely nab that rec. I’ve never heard of Buried Amongst the Begonias, so I went a-searchin. Was this fic ever completed, do you know? I had no goodly idea what a “fluffer” was, but I deduced from the excerpt you provided. The things we learn from fic. So I added that to my list as well. I finally finished Edward’s Eternal Kiss-my word, it was steamy, and I read two quickie from Sarge’s Girls since they were mentioned last week. High Heels & Hard Drives, and Running for Love. Enjoyed them both, and have just started their story In Pursuit that was mentioned last week.

    • rita01tx

      Buried Amongst the Begonias by Durtynelly was too violent for FFN so she created a blog for it, created a second blog for it and then disappeared takin’ everything down a few years ago. Lucky I was chasin’ that fic hard and captured all 21 chapters she’d written! Although, I must say, I already considered it complete at chapter 20! In this story, Edward is a schizophrenic psychopath and you can’t get darker than that!!!
      If you’d like the pdf, PM me on my FFN account with your email address and I’ll send it to you. If I had your email address before, I lost it with the great computer crash of ’15 LOL! Please note, twitter email addresses bounce back…can’t use ’em!

  5. ladyquinzy

    Another batch of wonderful fics! Thank you for all these recs. Maybe next time you can have The Age Of Innocence by Patty Rosa here. It’s an epic, amazing fanfic. It has been marked complete yesterday. Again, thank you for the neverending fanfic recs. They’re all worth reading.

  6. thanks Rita for rec’d, will add the first one on my list, and I follow the second, just don’t have time to read all I would like to read. I’m still in Gravity series, just one more, I needed a break a little from them so this week I read all entries for ControlPossessSeduceContest…. they are all excellent!
    and some o/s
    As a nurse, Bella’s seen it all, or has she? When the clinic where she works needs an expansion, the guy hired isn’t what she expects. Sometimes all that glitters, is all it takes. Romance/Humor
    Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella, Edward – Words: 5,637 – Reviews: 145 – Favs: 308 – Follows: 418 – Published: Dec 1, 2015 – Status: Complete – id: 11644599

    “His gaze travels up and down my body, and I watch as he palms himself through his jeans, almost as if he’s unaware of it, but I can tell he’s straining against the button fly. Then, he leans over me again, and this time I don’t shut my eyes. “Mate.”” 1st place winner Public Vote for the Red-Eyed Edward Contest
    Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Drama – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 2 – Words: 15,751 – Reviews: 605 – Favs: 1,008 – Follows: 1,050 – Updated: Feb 1 – Published: Nov 16, 2015 – Status: Complete – id: 11618088

    have a great week end

  7. Just read All That Glitters and adored it. Checked out CullenTwiMistress’ profile. She has written a ton of stuff! I already had a few of em, but I need to make a reminder to revisit her page.Mate sounds really good. I’ll read it too.

  8. rita01tx

    Well, I’ve spent most of my day tryin’ to unclog my inbox of all my WIP updates and had about 10 to go when I noticed my DH {or Bear, as I call him} zappin’ TV channels like a zombie. I asked him if he wanted to watch a sex film…well, THAT perked him right up LMAO! I told him it wasn’t porn which meant no peens or pussy but it was pretty steamy and he said he was game.
    And that’s how I tricked him into watchin’ Fifty Shades of Grey with me!
    He kept waitin’ for things to heat up and sighed his bored sigh a couple of times but I persevered by pretendin’ I didn’t notice.
    Well, by the time those elevator doors at Escala closed for the last time, he was sittin’ up goin’, “WTF!?!?! Is that all there is?”
    And I’m ROTFLMAO!!!
    In the meantime, it’s after midnight my time so I PROMISE to catch up with everybody tomorrow, okay?

    • THAT is hilarious. I can not get my DH to watch it. The ‘boys’ at the gym must’ve been griping about the movie or the book, because when I read the book, he was clueless. By time I suggested that we watch it, he was adamantly opposed. I was like what the hell is up with that? If I liked the movie more I would’ve been pissed. I hope part two is better. And if it is, he WILL be watching with me (first viewing will be with my gf, of course, so I can school my reactions by time I see it the second time.)
      Unrelated question for you my dear- When a story you’ve been following finally completes, do you remove it from your Alerts on ffn? I want to unclog my alerts, but I hesitate to remove the completed fics from my list for fear that the author will add a new chapter or note. How do you handle yours?

      • rita01tx

        Men can certainly be stubborn which is why we have to be tricky LMAO! I wonder if part 2 is even in the works since Sam Taylor Johnson bowed out of directin’ it. These actors don’t stay young, beautiful and sexy forever so they better get a move on!
        As for completed fics, as far as I know, once a story is marked complete, you shouldn’t get any more alerts unless outtakes or notes {as in they plan to pull to publish} are posted. It’s the author her/himself you need to unAlert if you don’t want to see anything more from them. In all my years of fanfic readin’, I could count the numbers of authors I have stopped followin’ on one hand!
        But stopped I have for one reason or another!

        • They are filming Fifty Shades Darker imminently from the buzz on Twitter. They’ve cast Kim Basingstoke as Elaine. Did I get that right-the name of Misses Robinson? As for alerts, they stop, but my alerts page on ffn is cluttered. There’s no column that indicates whether or not a story is complete, so I have to click on each title to see if the story is still a WIP or not. I know the stories are listed in order of most recently updated, but as my list gets longer, it’s going to be more time consuming if I don’t start following stories marked as complete. I guess I’m afraid the author might months or even a year done the road decide to add an epilogue or outtake or a note about a sequel, so I haven’t followed any story. I follow far fewer authors than stories.

          • rita01tx

            Oooh, I don’t bother even lookin’ at all the crap on my FFN account! If I do happen to open anything, I just cringe, close it and pretend I didn’t see it LMAO!

  9. eewee333

    Hi again Rita. Just FYI, FSOG part 2 is beginning filming in about 10 days according to the FB groups I follow. They have cast Mrs. Robinson and Leila just this past week. Supposed to be released next year. I’m excited for this one. Book 2 was my favorite of the trilogy. E

    • rita01tx

      Thanks, Eewee darlin’! Now you mention it, I seem to remember mention of Mrs. Robinson bein’ cast…Kim Basinger, wasn’t it? She’ll do a bang up job, I’m sure!

      • Oh just this minute saw an article about a casting addition for part three Freed, which apparently will be filmed back to back with Darker. That makes sense. I’m sure these actors want to be done with this commitment. I am not a patient soul. I hate waiting for sequels, especially when they feel like half (or a third) of the story. I had the exact same reaction to Fifty Shades as your husband. And I knew it was coming, but it still felt like damn!

        • rita01tx

          They really should have filmed it all back-to-back but I guess it was impossible to get everyone committed at the same time. But, yeah, impatient is my middle name. Hell’n the only reason I went to see the last part of Hunger Games was just to be done with it…didn’t even enjoy it ’cause I was already burned out by then *facepalm!*

        • They will be in Paris in spring for ten days for filming there, saw this on French TV

    • Oh duh. I should’ve scrolled down before replying. Lol.

  10. Kim Ginsberg pulled down all her stories…

    and this one is complete now
    The continuing adventures of Cockyback and Reed Girl. College is over and real life awaits. How will they handle the ups and downs thrown their way as Edward enters the NFL and Bella approaches graduation? Rated R for Rainbow. Sequel to Sideline Collision.
    Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Chapters: 61 – Words: 302,915 – Reviews: 13,737 – Favs: 3,045 – Follows: 3,175 – Updated: Feb 7 – Published: Sep 7, 2014 – Status: Complete – id: 10676370

    • rita01tx

      Thanks for the heads up on Kim, Zveka darlin’! Now I can feel free to read all her stuff without botherin’ to leave a review of each chapter *pouty face!*
      And are you sure Getting Blitzed is complete…she does keep addin’ outtakes, which I love LOL!

  11. rita01tx

    Well, hell…Emotion Masen has pulled all her fics *facepalm!*

  12. well I read as wip Better luck next time, I guess one or two chapters are missing for finish this one,it’s very funny story, I didn’t read Madame Bella…

  13. Hi Rita,
    is Cullen Clan complete or is still wip?

    because on TWCS it says this “…Chapters: 35 Table of Contents
    Completed: No …”
    and the last update was in 2012

    • rita01tx

      Oh, it’s definitely a WIP, Zveka darlin’, but I rec’d it anyway ’cause what there was of it was fuckin’ awesome and we’re only missin’ one more chapter…I can live with that for now but I’ll always have my fingers crossed *le sigh!*

  14. Thanks Rita I will put it on alert and cross my fingers too 🙂 and grab it from twcs 🙂

  15. Rita I find this on TWCS
    …How do I receive email alerts for updates?
    In order to receive email updates follow these steps.
    Click on My Account
    Click on Edit Preferences
    Be sure there is a check mark in the box next to “Contact when favorites are updated.”
    Once you have ensured you will receive email updates, you need to add stories and authors to your favorites to receive their updates. Adding stories to favorites means that you will receive an email when a new chapter is added to that story. Adding an author to favorites means that you will receive an email when that author adds a new story.
    How do I add stories/authors to my favorites?
    For both items 1) you have to go into your Account Info, then Edit Preferences. Select the radio button for “contact when favorites are updated” (one time only) and 2) favorite each story and/or author (click add to favorites; when next screen comes up, hit submit). If you favorite an author, you will get notification when a new story posts only. If you favorite a story, you will get notification when that story gets a chapter update….

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