Well, would you look at that? Three posts in the month of July for the win!
Okay, it’s just one complete fic but it still counts LOL!
Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Bella, Edward – Chapters: 26 – Words: 206,026 – Reviews: 1,384 – Favs: 3,690 – Follows: 1,832 – Updated: Sep 24, 2016 – Published: Sep 23, 2012 – Status: Complete – id: 8550424
Out of all the Geekwards I’ve read over the years, this has got to be one of my all time favorites! The banter between Edward and Bella is freakin’ hilarious, as this scene will demonstrate:
It took twice as long to clean up because I kept sitting down. This hangover was horrible. As I finished cleaning, Bella’s phone rang, making my head pound even worse.
I walked to the bathroom to tell Bella she had a call. I went to knock on the door just as she started singing When I Ruled the World by Coldplay.
She sounded like a Disney princess. I listened to her singing from outside the door until her phone stopped ringing. Now that I thought of it, she probably would have ignored the call anyway. So, I went to watch TV in the living room. I caught the tail end of a House marathon.
“Yes!” Bella sighed, walking out in another one of my t-shirts and grabbed her dress to put it in the washing machine. “I feel so clean. I smelled like vodka.”
“You sound like a Disney princess,” I told her as I went to the kitchen to make us a snack.
“Ick,” she shook violently, sitting down and rolling her eyes.
“What’s ‘icky’ about that?”
“Disney movies greatly distort and ruin young girls’ perceptions and expectations of love,” she deadpanned before grabbing the remote.
“What?” I asked, appalled. I’d never heard a woman bash a Disney princess movie.
“It’s true,” she nodded her head, tucking her feet Indian-style beneath her. “I got a paper published about it when I was in high school. I called it the Cinderella Complex.”
“Which is?” I questioned, taking the remote from her.
“A beautiful. . . somewhat intelligent girl. . . always goes out on a limb, therefore putting herself and/or her loved ones in danger just to get a man, then, when the plan goes to shit, she sits back and waits for the man to save her.”
“They aren’t all like that,” I argued, pausing the TV.
“Yes, they are,” she smiled, arching her eyebrow. “Try me.”
“That emotional punching bag?” she asked. “Why didn’t she seek out Prince Charming when she found out he was looking for the woman who fit the slipper? Besides, what idiot goes to a dance in glass slippers?”
“The Little Mermaid?”
“Oh,” she pondered, tapping her chin, “You mean Ariel? The dumbass who sold her soul to a sea witch for a chance with a man she met for a grand total of thirty seconds?” she smiled, shaking her head.
“I don’t believe this,” I proclaimed, in awe of her cynicism. “Beauty and the Beast?”
“You might as well call it The Legend of Stockholm Syndrome,” she laughed at my expression. “The entire subtext of the original story is to prepare young girls for arranged marriages, anyway,” she waved it off.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Two women fighting over who’s prettiest?” she asked in return. “Let’s not get started on how objectified she is,” she rolled her eyes. “Her only real power is her beauty,” she laughed. “She’s nothing but a glorified maid to those dwarves,” she listed on her finger. “When she died. . . they put her in a glass coffin,” she accentuated. “Gee. . . let’s put the dead girl in a glass coffin so we can stare at her even though she’s dead because she’s so pretty,” she said in a dwarf voice. “Technically, that prince was into necrophilia. . . kinky,” she wiggled her eyebrows.
“Seriously? Would you kiss a dead person?”
“Come on!” I raised my hands. Alice would be having a stroke if she heard this conversation. There had to be one that I could use to change her mind. We sat there, her raising her eyebrow in victory while I thought it over. Then, I found one.
“Mulan,” I stated, crossing my arms in victory. “She saved China.”
“Doesn’t count,” she smirked at my frustration.
“How does that not count?” I asked, getting a little frustrated.
“She’s not a Disney princess.”
“Is, too!” I argued. “She had her own movie and everything.”
“She’s a heroine. . . not a princess. Mulan isn’t of royal blood like the others,” she pointed out. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. She thinks of a fucking brilliant plan by causing that avalanche. She saves the General’s life. . . getting stabbed in the process,” she ranted. “How do they repay her?” she asked, crossing her arms. “They leave her. . . in the snowy mountains. . . alone. . . just for being a woman. What a dick!” she huffed. “However, Mulan was sort of a feminist. So, I’ll give her a little credit. Besides, have you ever seen her on a t-shirt with the other princesses? When’s the last time you saw a girl go as Mulan for Halloween?” she asked.
“Ugh!” I ran my hands through my hair. “Princess and the Frog,” I said. “Tiana was a go getter.”
“And people looked down on her because of it,” she countered.
“Let’s be honest,” she raised an eyebrow, “The song selection in Princess and the Frog is vastly inferior to the other movies,” she sighed. “Plus, Dr. Faciliier is nothing but a black Jafar. They even look alike,” she giggled.
“You are so. . . ”
“I do like The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, though,” she shrugged.
“So you are normal?” I teased.
“I respect that everyone owned their shitty attitude in that movie,” she explained. “Frolo had an entire song about how much he wanted to bone Esmeralda,” she smiled. “You have to commend Disney for having balls,” she giggled. “That bitch did leave Quasimodo for the good looking guy, though,” she frowned.
“There goes your cynicism,” I pointed to her.
“Yes,” she deadpanned, patting my shoulder. “Have you noticed that all of the 90s Disney princes have all of the same facial features. . . just a different skin tone?” she asked. “It’s like they used a stencil.”
“I’m not listening to this!” I covered my ears.
“Face it. ‘Happily Ever After’ is bullshit.”
“I don’t believe that,” I replied. “My parents will celebrate their thirtieth anniversary on New Year’s. My sister met her husband when she was fourteen. My brother is practically already married. There’s somebody for everybody.”
“Did you ever think that they’re exceptions to the rule?” she inquired. “I mean, over half of marriages nowadays end in divorce. You can Google it.”
“You know,” I got her attention, “Some people might call you cynical,” I shook my head, popping an Advil and chugging a glass of water.
“Naïve people call me cynical,” she retorted. “Realistic people call me right.”
Ednerd hasn’t even introduced her to his family, yet. You’re not gonna wanna miss that LMAO!
So, how’s the summer been treatin’ you guys?
Happy Tuesday, y’all!