At first I saw only women. Two at the registers, one at the service desk, a few female customers and then I turned down one of the aisles and there he was. A very young Rob looking just like he did in “How to Be”. It stunned me for a moment to see such a young Rob and I just stared at him. He didn’t seem to notice me, he was too involved in his work so I quietly walked away.
I had to get a newspaper and get back to Rita. I shoved the money into the machine and pulled out the paper.
I flipped the front page over to reveal this eyewitness sketch of his eyes,
Apparently the eyewitness had been so captivated by his eyes that she hadn’t gotten any farther than that! Yeah, I knew that feeling all too well! This explained enough of what was going on to send me high-tailing it back to Rita’s office. Ever get that feeling up your spine like you were being watched…maybe even followed? I stopped at the corner and casually turned to look behind me and there, a little ways back, was the alley Rob coming right at me, still looking pissed! All the other Robs had been really nice, so why did this one want to hurt me? Was it because I saw him coming out of the alley? I saw him straightening his clothes…had he mugged someone? Was he afraid I knew? I panicked and ran out into the street to get away from him and was almost plowed down by a car. I looked frantically about and the only refuge I saw was a Catholic church across the street. I made a beeline for the door and burst inside, almost reaching the front before I turned to watch the doors anxiously.
“Ah, lass. Is there something I can do for ya, now?” I heard that familiar voice say behind me.
I knew my mouth was working, but no sound was coming out of it.
“There, there, lass. It’ll be all right. Let’s have a seat now, shall we, and tell me what it be that has ya so worked up,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. This Rob was stunning in his kindness and alluring with his accent. He seemed much safer than alley Rob, in any case.
“I’m being followed!” I blurted out in a panic.
“Is that so? And what did this person look like?” he asked gently.
“Uh, well, he looks a little like you, but kind of wild and angry looking.” I replied, not at all sure what he would do. Being a man of the cloth, I decided to risk it, but then again, if the paper was right, he wasn’t a man at all, was he? So then, his oath as a Catholic priest meant nothing, right?
“Really now?” he said with a chuckle.
“Yes. Father. Would you mind looking outside to see if he’s still there?” I asked.
“Not at’ll, lass. Why don’t you have a seat and rest for a moment. You look a wee bit frazzled. I’ll be back. You say he looks like myself?” he queried.
“Yes, but his hair is all messy…in an attractive kind of way, and he’s wearing a black shirt and a light gray jacket.” I told him, still stunned to find myself talking to Rob, knowing all the while it wasn’t really Rob at all…not to mention he was a priest, of all things! Leave it to me, when every man on earth turns into Rob, I’d wind up with a priest! I watched him walk away, unable to help myself from admiring him, then admonishing myself for perving over a priest while I sat in the heart of the Catholic Church! Oh, I was so going to Hell! I clutched the newspaper to my chest, afraid he might see it and make the connection. Anxiously waiting for him to return, a part of me was terrified that priest Rob would return with alley Rob and half a dozen other Robs to do away with me! I could see tomorrow’s headline: “LOCAL WOMAN LOOSES MIND, THEN VANISHES”
Priest Rob returned, walking slowly with his hands clasped behind his back. He was smiling at me like you’d smile at an elderly person with senility.
“There be no one out there fittin’ that description, lass,” he stated.
Not sure I was safe anywhere, my only voice of reason, the only person who knew for certain that I wasn’t losing my mind, was Rita. I needed to get back to her!
“Well, I’m sorry I bothered you, Father. Perhaps I was mistaken. I’ve had a rather unusual morning. Um, I’ll just be going now. Thank you so much for your kindness,” I said.
The whole time, I was sidling past him, clutching the newspaper and backing away towards the doors I had entered through.
“No bother at’ll, Lass. God Bless you!” he said, turning and walking back into the church.
Oh, this didn’t make any sense at all! I rushed out the door, taking just a moment on the steps to check for alley Rob. I didn’t see him anywhere so I ran the rest of the way back to Rita’s office. I couldn’t wait to sit down and go over the paper with her and find out what the feck was really going on. Aliens? For reals? Rob Aliens?? What did they want?
As the elevator doors opened on her floor, I made my way to Rita’s desk only to find she wasn’t there! Oh no! I scanned the tops of the cubicles but I couldn’t see anything. Then I heard her familiar laugh and followed the sound…to Gary’s cubicle! She was sitting on his lap! The traitor!
“RITA! What are you doing?” I yelled at her.
Gary/Rob swiveled his chair around, with Rita still on his lap, and they both grinned at me.
“Oh! Hi, RF! It’s all good, BB!” she giggled.
I didn’t know what to do or say. I guess I was completely on my own now. I turned and ran for the elevator.
“You go, girl! Get yours!” she trilled after me.
Just as the elevator doors closed, I heard her squeal with delight! Or was that actually a squee? Back on the street, I ran to my car, climbed in and locked all the doors. I took off not knowing where I was going or what I was going to do. Since I hadn’t had time to read the paper and couldn’t read it while I was driving, I turned the radio on. If aliens had truly invaded, surely it would be on the local news. Of course, the voice over the radio was a familiar one. Not as familiar as in the voice I heard every day on the radio, but familiar as in…it was Rob’s voice reporting the news. I could just picture him there in the radio station now.
“Yes, it’s true! Aliens have landed right here on Earth. According to their spokes…uh, person, they have been studying us for a while now, focusing mostly on the women of our planet because there are no females where they come from. They find our women a most interesting subject and, in studying them, they found that the consensus among them was that their men were neither as romantic, handsome, or adoring as they wanted them to be. The aliens have a very unobtrusive way of reading women’s minds and discovered that nine out of ten women found the actor, Robert Pattinson, to be the most attractive, sexiest man alive. They admired everything about him and he seemed to possess the very things their men lacked. So, purely as a study, these “aliens” set about transforming the men of this planet into Robert Pattinson look-a-likes. They look like him, act like him, talk like him, and they have included every character Mr. Pattinson has played in the movie industry so that there would be a variety for our women to choose from. Apparently, some women preferred Jacob Jankowski, while others preferred the more sexually voracious Georges DuRoy. Still others preferred the original Edward Cullen character. The men are thrilled because now their women are perving over them instead of the movie star.
“How does the real Robert Pattinson feel about all this, you might ask yourself. Well, we managed to contact him and this was his response…
“YEAH! Are you serious? I love it! Now I can go anywhere and do anything without worrying about the fuckin’ paps hounding me, or hordes of screaming fan girls mobbing me! Now, everyone has their own R-Pattz they can live out their fantasies with! I ain’t even mad!”
Well, that sounded like something the real Rob would say! Typical word vomit! I pulled the car over and parked. I was only a few blocks from the office, so I decided to go back and talk to Rita again. That is, if I could pull her away from “Gary”! I got out of the car and started walking. I wasn’t sure how I felt about all of this. Was it really such a bad thing? Women all over the world were having their greatest wish fulfilled! Starting to feel slightly better, I looked up to see just how many “men” were left in the city and how many had already been transformed into one Rob or another. I was momentarily stunned and frozen in place to see Rome Rob across the street. Oh, God! He was definitely giving me the “come hither” look.
I glanced around to make sure it was me he was looking at and I was right! He nodded his head for me to cross the street towards him and I could feel the blush fill my cheeks. Before I even had time to think, alley Rob caught my attention. He was a little further down the road and hadn’t seen me yet. I didn’t know why he was so angry, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
To be CONCLUDED Tomorrow!!!
Much Love to you all,