Nothing makes us Rob h00rs happier than to see him laugh…
…it’s a truly beautiful thing that warms our hearts and makes us smile! And so does today’s post, as we share with you some hilarious Twifics that make us ROFLMFAO!
*Reviews by Midnight Cougar*
Awkwardly Yours ~ High school Edward likes a girl named Bella, But he’s not a smooth-talking kind of fella. He has his fair share of inserting foot into mouth, And inappropriate risings down south. But he’s really kind of sweet, Even if he’s sort of a geek.
Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor – Edward & Bella – Chapters: 11 – Words: 28,939 – Reviews: 1,130 – Favs: 498 – Follows: 914 – Updated: 09-26-13 – Published: 08-02-13 – id: 9557633
Vancouver-Canuck-Girl, author of the very funny The Real Life of E A Masen, has one wicked sense of humour that I absolutely love to read, and which translates beautifully into her creative writing. She makes me smile and laugh every time she updates her newest ‘Humor’ fic, Awkwardly Yours. It is very aptly named, IMHO, as it depicts the daily plights of an awkward, geeky, and somewhat naïve and clueless, but totally adorable 15-year-old Edward. Not only does he make me laugh my head off at all that he goes through – poor boy can’t catch a break – and with his unfiltered ramblings and hilarious inner monologue, but he also writes the best poems in his journal at the end of each chapter.
These unique and imaginative poems highlight his day’s “adventures” and how he – a horny, teenage boy – perceives them. After what his older brother, Jasper, named “Mastur-Gate 2013,” let’s take a look at chapter one’s poem to see how it all played out…
“Like I often did, I pulled my journal out from its hiding spot and scribbled out a poem. Journal, not diary – just wanted to make that clear. Yeah, it’s sort of nerdy but it’s nice to have a place I can vent, ya know?
Tonight I got caught jerking off
All because I didn’t hear my mother knock.
Now my sister wants her lotion back
But I need when I have the urge to whack.
And damn it, I didn’t even get to finish
But now my boner has now diminished.
Fuck my life
And all its strife.
Oh, dear Edward, you are too cute. So funny, and it only gets better and funnier as he begins to act on the crush he has developed for Bella, his sister Rose’s best friend. When he finally gets a chance to talk to Bella – the object of his affections both in and out of the bedroom (remember he is 15 *wink*) – he just can’t seem to reel it in, but then he is shopping for tampons for his sister…
Excerpt from chapter 3
Oh God, please don’t let that be—
“Bella! Hi. What brings you to the feminine hygiene aisle?”
“I mean how neat that you and Rosalie are cycle buddies.”
Seriously, how the fuck does my brain come up with that shit? ‘Cycle Buddies’? Really? Even if I knew Jasper and I were jerking off at the same time, I’d never call him my ‘Beat-off Brother’.
“Actually, I’m here getting a slurpee.” There was a smirk playing on her lips when she answered me.
I dropped the box of cooter corks like a hot potato.
“Yeah, me too. I was just here browsing.”
Bella called my bluff.
“You were browsing super absorbency tampons on a Saturday morning?”
I shrugged, trying to feign innocence. “I’ve always been curious about the different brands and stuff. They have scented tampons over at Fred Meyer. I don’t know if it’s mint or peach or something different. I’ll have to do more research. Do you know they make something called a ‘Diva Cup’? It’s durable and reusable. You should look into it. You could save yourself some money in the long run.”
I begged myself to shut up. Was it too much to ask that just once I could come across as cool?
Bella stood there, sipping on her slurpee, and let me ramble.
“You’re certainly a wealth of tampon information.”
I grinned. “Just call me Edward ‘The Tampon’ Cullen.”
Bella laughed. “Okay, then. I should get going. Tell Rosalie I’ll call her later.”
“Yeah, okay sure. Don’t forget to research the Diva cup before your next—”
Shut the fuck up!
“—never mind. Bye, Bella.”
“Bye, Edward ‘The Tampon’ Cullen.” Her using air quotes made me want to die.
I think I’d want to die, too, Edward… Shakes my head, smiling; I just can’t stop laughing, although I do kind of get second-hand-embarrassed for him! LOL This lighthearted WiP, which updates regularly, is one you’ll want to read as you’ll get to delight in a well-written, laugh-filled story with endearing characters and a most lovable, hilarious Edward!
Penal Code ~ COLLABORATION with BELLAFLAN: Undercover Cop Edward Cullen wants some excitement on his beat. Bella, whom he mistakenly thinks is a hooker, desperately needs to snap out of her funk. How deep is Edward willing to go undercover to get the girl? AH, BxE
Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Bella & Edward – Chapters: 11 – Words: 39,189 – Reviews: 1,409 – Favs: 1,233 – Follows: 1,061 – Updated: 11-06-12 – Published: 01-03-12 – Status: Complete – id: 7706291
While I’ve mentioned Penal Code a few times over the last couple years in different posts, I knew I had to include it today as we talk about fics that make us laugh, because I can honestly say that this fic is one of the funniest I have ever read – I really did LMAO! This incredibly humorous short story was originally submitted to the Fandom for Texas Wildfire Relief but was then, to our great reading pleasure, extended, providing more laughs and crazy antics involving our beloved couple.
We must first heed the authors’ warning: “Please note the word “come” also appears as “cum” depending on the POV.” I am laughing already just reading that and writing this review, thinking back to when I first read Penal Code. I can guarantee that after you read this amusing gem you will never look at a Pudding Cup the same way again, because when Undercover Copward’s night of adventure begins as a “John” and he meets “Bella cum-Swan” but mistakenly takes her for a “hooker”…things get…messy as they share some fun times together…
Watching Bella eat pudding was like watching a porn movie. She licked that cup dry, and I wondered if that was part of her gig – getting a guy horny and hard over pudding and then sucking him dry, hour by hour.
I could get on board with that.
And when I say “sucking him dry” I obviously meant money … although, I’m guessing she could suck me dry the other way too. She definitely had some tongue skills with that spoon, I’d noticed.
I wanted to be that spoon.
I wanted to punch that spoon in the nuts, actually, and take its place.
Sorry spoon, but you’re out.
Alas, though, as Bella began to scrape the final remnants of chocolate flavored gelatin from the plastic cup she’d been having an intimate relationship with, her eyelids grew heavy, and before I could offer to walk her home, or… back to her pimp’s place, her head fell.
Her nose landed square into the pudding cup, forcing what was left of her snack outward in a climactic spray of chocolate that speckled her face.
I was wrong. I didn’t want to be the spoon after all. I wanted my jizz to be the pudding.
Oh, Edward, you do make me laugh…you perv! *grins* Read on, my friends, and have a great, memorable laugh!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706291/1/Penal-Code (FictionFreak95’s posting)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7706072/1/Penal-Code (BellaFlan’s posting)
WINNER in the Make Me Laugh Anonymous Twific Contest:
Suit Up ~ Bella watches swim god Edward Masen from afar. What happens when he gets close enough to touch? My entry for the Make Me Laugh Contest. First place in Public vote and the Judges’s pick.
Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Edward & Bella – Chapters: 2 – Words: 6,882 – Reviews: 252 – Favs: 361 – Follows: 305 – Updated: 08-13-13 – Published: 08-04-13 – id: 9562781
Marvar has written some marvelous Romance/Humour in the Twific realm, she really rocks the funny, and she’s done it again with Suit Up, which was her entry for the Make Me Laugh Contest – it won First place in Public vote and First Place for the Judges’ pick. She used Prompt #13:
I blame my current obsession with water sports on last year’s summer Olympics. Seeing all those speedo-clad hotties with the great pecs and abs made me curious enough to attend the swim meets at my own university. The athleticism, and let’s face it, the attractiveness of the men, made the meets exciting. In more ways than one.
Because that’s where I saw him.
And I couldn’t help myself from falling. (For him – not on the floor like a klutz. I’m very coordinated.)
Unfortunately, he didn’t fall.
Like for me or on me. Either one would work, honestly.
But I’d really prefer both.
*nods head* ‘cause I’m sure we’d all agree; right, ladies? And as Bella discusses her biological study specimen, with her best friend Alice, they try to decide:
“Geez…is he for real?” she asks in awe. “He can’t be human.” . . .
Edward glides through the water, muscles rippling and stretching, every stroke long and strong.
Fuck. Me. This is water porn.
“Bella? I think you’re drooling.” Yeah, I’m wet somewhere…but it’s not my chin.
I shrug. “I freely admit that his ass is fine. Though his abs and crotch deserve to be cradled with the same care and adoration. His speedo is like a frame on a work of art.”
“You have no shame.”
“I am a student of anatomy, Alice. His is flawless. Though I’m going by my observations from a distance. I’d really like to examine him close up,” I say dreamily. “And maybe sniff him.”
Ah, yes, wouldn’t we all, Bella, but then she’d have to actually meet and get close to him…which may just happen when he comes into the suit shop – Urban Couture – where she works, which so happens to be owned by his aunt Esme Cullen. But I’ll let you read that for yourself, and see what happens when Bella fits Speedoward for a suit! Not only is it funny but…Edward is a suit? *swoon* …what I wouldn’t give to be the one measuring Edward’s long inseam. *grins* Enjoy!
*Reviews by Cared*
Both of my rec’s today are Oldies but Goldies that I’m excited to share with the newer members of the fandom. They make me laugh as much today as when I read them as WIPs – I can’t give a better recommendation than that!
How to Win Back the Love of Your Existence ~ It’s 4 years after Edward leaves Bella. There are no werewolves. Bella & Jake were never more than friends. Bella has grown up, graduated from College, has a boyfriend & is moving back to Seattle to attend Law School when her path crosses Edward’s. EPOV
Rated: Fiction M – English – Romance/Humor – Bella & Edward – Chapters: 47 – Words: 124,122 – Reviews: 3,474 – Favs: 1,831 – Follows: 936 – Updated: 08-06-10 – Published: 03-23-10 – Status: Complete – id: 5838734
This funny, sweet story is set four years after vampire Edward left Bella so she would have a chance at a normal, happy, human life.
Edward is still opinionated, uptight, sexually repressed and old-fashioned; he believes only he knows what’s best for Bella, but there is no denying he is also a gentleman and utterly adorable. Of course, he is still completely captivated by Bella – the love of his existence.
They meet in an airport purely by chance while waiting to board the same plane. Unfortunately for Edward and his broken, dead heart, Bella has moved on with her life as he requested, and upon landing, he is forced to witness her reunion with her live-in boyfriend. Needless to say, 112-year-old Edward considers said doctor boyfriend to be too old and unworthy…in fact, he believes him to be a sexual deviant guilty of corrupting naive Bella, and will allow it to continue over his already dead body! It’s a more palatable option for him than to believe his innocent Bella enjoys a sex life outside marriage. Poor clueless Edward!
Edward justifies inserting himself back into her life as he believes Bella once again needs to be saved, and naturally he is the man…err…vampire for the job. There is only one way for him to do that – he needs to win back the love of his existence. Poor hapless Edward!
I’d be remiss not to mention the hindrance help given by the Cullen family. Who needs the Kama Sutra when Emmett had a Dr. Ruth persona buried inside just waiting for the opportunity to burst forth with advice of a sexual nature? LOL
I sigh in resignation.
Edward, believe it or not Emmett does know what he’s talking about. He has even given me good pointers. Listen to him. Jasper’s thoughts surprise me as I had never imagined Jasper wanting or needing advice in that area. Wow, I guess I am lucky I am learning from an expert, I think wryly.
“Now you have two primary areas you have to simultaneously focus upon. The first is the clit, or as I like to call it her love button. Do you know what that is?”
“Yes,” I huff. “It is slang for the clitoris which is…”
“Please Edward spare us the medical lecture. And for god’s sakes definitely spare Bella the lecture. You will have a better chance in Orlando of eating Minnie Mouse’s pussy than Bella’s if you start spouting that medical jargon crap.”
“Where was I?”
“Now, the second area that is going to require a lot of attention is her… vagina. Emmett’s thoughts reveal pride in his using the correct term. “Or as I like to call it her honey pot.” Emmett is mentally congratulating himself for cleaning up his language. See Edward you don’t have the monopoly on being a gentleman.
“To make sure we understand each other, Jasper is going to show you a picture so you can use your finger and visualize as I describe the steps that should be followed.” And with vampire speed, there is a picture of a naked woman with her legs and labia spread for all of the world to see. I don’t think I have ever been so mortified…except maybe after my unfortunate bookstore incident.
“Okay, touch the love button.” I mumble “idiot” but touch it as I figure that is the quickest way to get through this part. “Very good. Now the honey pot.” I trace a circle around the entrance of the woman’s vagina. “Excellent. Now let’s talk about a woman’s juices.”
For further shenanigans from this crazy gang, read the sequel – very eloquently entitled – How to Get Your Balls Back!
How to Get Your Balls Back ~ It’s been nearly two years since we last saw the recently engaged Bella and Edward. The proverbial honeymoon period of their relationship is coming to an end and with that, some deep seated problems with their relationship are starting to surface. Edward has a hard time telling Bella no–even when he should. Throw in some of those other things that all couples have to get over, i.e. jealousy inducing admirers, differing tastes in music and politics, horny bisexual friends, and a fight for dominance in the bedroom, and you have the background in which Edward is going to have to figure out HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK. EPOV.
Rated: Fiction M – English – Humor/Romance – Edward & Bella – Chapters: 21 – Words: 59,098 – Reviews: 1,562 – Favs: 742 – Follows: 586 – Updated: 05-27-11 – Published: 09-02-10 – Status: Complete – id: 6292785
I have moved closer to Bella during our exchange. She stands up quickly and raises her hand. I realize she is intent on slapping me.
I catch her right hand easily before it even comes close to my face. I hang onto her wrist and bend down, speaking through clenched teeth. “Don’t try that again, or you’ll regret it, Bella.”
Her eyes widen, and I watch them glaze over with lust. We are both breathing heavy. She suddenly launches herself at me, wrapping her free arm around my neck and pulling me toward her, kissing me unabashedly. I pull back, and after briefly gazing at her swollen lips and hooded eyes, shove her down onto the bed.
Bella and I have never had angry sex, but unless I am mistaken, that is about to change.
Oh Edward! Be still my beating heart!
Midnight Desire ~ An All Human parody of Midnight Sun. AH, AU and consequently OOC. No blood lust – just uncontrollable human lust. Smut filled fun . . .
Rated: Fiction M – English – Parody/Romance – Edward & Bella – Chapters: 26 – Words: 89,654 – Reviews: 5,281 – Favs: 6,649 – Follows: 3,264 – Updated: 07-01-10 – Published: 07-13-08 – Status: Complete – id: 4392180
A/N: It was said of early vampire books and movies that vampirism was simply a thinly disguised substitute for sex. Back in the day, the entire genre was considered extremely risqué. With that in mind, this is an ALL HUMAN parody of Midnight Sun replacing all the vampirism with sexuality – no blood lust – just extreme human lust. Serious SMUT warning. You have been warned . . .
This story is written with tongue firmly in cheek – metaphorically speaking, that is. You will get a giggle from this highly irreverent parody if you leave your standard fic expectations behind and allow yourself to see the world through the eyes of an extremely horny 17-year-old boy.
This sweet Edward is both academically gifted and privileged; he prides himself on being in control of his life and body…that is until a beautiful, caring and enthralling new student arrives in town.
Imagine if you will, how the Biology Room scene would have played out with Edward’s bloodlust replaced by plain old human lust…
My mind grasped all this in a moment, and my body involuntarily started reacting at the same time. For the first time in my life, I was instantly and fully aroused by the mere glimpse of a woman. I couldn’t believe it. It was intolerable—unacceptable—and utterly humiliating. I simply couldn’t feel this way. But here I was, sitting in class suddenly finding myself with a raging erection. I moved my chair closer to the desk in terror that someone would notice, my hands convulsively gripping the edge of the wood. Apparently I was unable to smooth the stunned and horrified expression from my face before Bella sat down next to me, because whatever word of polite greeting she was about to say died on her lips, and she looked quickly away. She flipped her hair over her shoulder to give herself something to hide behind. She must have thought I was deranged. I felt like I was.
The look of apprehension in her eyes as she sat down had simply added to her appeal. She carried herself with an alluring sense of vulnerability. It ignited some primitive yet indefinable response deep within me. Her delicious scent also called to me—she smelled like ripe strawberries. It intoxicated my senses. The blood pulsed in my groin and I bit my lip to prevent myself from groaning aloud. This was ridiculous! How could this nothing, this woman-child, affect me so much?
I wanted to push my chair back from the desk so I could look at her surreptitiously, but I was afraid doing so might expose my…lack of control. There was no way I could study her to my satisfaction sitting right next to her—it would be far too obvious. Eventually I grabbed a binder and strategically positioned it in my lap, allowing me to hide my condition as I pushed my chair away from the desk. I could then at least drink in certain parts of her anatomy without notice.
Her chestnut hair was long—almost to her waist. It looked thick and silky and I yearned to touch it, longed to grab a fistful of it to position her head just so. Her fingers were delicate, and I couldn’t help imagining what they would feel like wrapped around a certain part of my now unpredictable anatomy. I bit my bottom lip again, practically drawing blood this time. The skin of her arms looked pale and soft and so womanly. From my current vantage point, I could see the full curve of one breast, straining against the fabric of her T-shirt. I closed my eyes and visualized the sensitive pink nipple that would adorn the peak, my tongue persuading it to come to full life in my adoring mouth. My eyes traveled down to her slim waist, and I imagined my hands grasping her to me, sliding down to her perfect rear, and pressing her into my erection. I had to catch myself before my breathing became labored. I glanced quickly around the room to see if anyone noticed my discomposure.
Now that I had memorized what I could see of her, my mind took a darker path. What would it take, I wondered, to get Isabella Swan to be alone with me? Could I use those good looks I so often disdained to lure her away? It wasn’t rape that I was thinking of—that held no appeal for me whatsoever. But thoughts of…seduction—yes, seduction, that was it—filled my mind. Not taking her against her will, but bending her to my will. I visualized myself holding her wrists above her head in one hand, while my other hand and my mouth elicited involuntary moans and gasps of pleasure, her body helplessly writhing under mine—all intellect and reason lost in sensation. I would fill her completely, and she would scream my name at her ecstatic release. My groin pulsed and I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.
I suddenly felt like a monster. I was insane. That was the only explanation. I had somehow, and for no apparent reason, simply gone insane in the last forty-five minutes. I would undoubtedly need to be committed. How had I gone from an almost asexual creature to a raving fiend in one afternoon? Class was almost over—thank you God. I hadn’t heard a single word that was said—not that it really mattered. I had to get out of here. I had to get away from Isabella Swan. She flipped her hair off of her shoulder and her luscious scent hit me again. Was she taunting me? My flagging erection stood at full mast again.
Edward’s inner monologue and the various ridiculous – completely ineffective – plans that he repeatedly forms, not to mention his endless sexual fantasies, are chuckle worthy as he is forced to take matters into his own hands – pun definitely intended! Their amusement value is only surpassed by that of the adorable and determined Monster. When I read this as a WIP, he had his own fan club, deservedly so, as the long-suffering Monster may nearly lose his mind at times but he never loses his sense of humour.
Midnight Desire is not only funny; it’s also sweet and romantic, and, IMHO, very cleverly written, giving the reader an all-around fun and enjoyable read.
Note: The continuation or “extras” from Midnight Desire is called RPG’s (Role Playing Games ;)) – link is here.
Now that we’ve shared what makes us laugh and smile as we read, we’d love it if you’d tell us what fics make you laugh out loud!